#32: My Power & Detachment: Letting go/BLESSED!!

[makingmagic]

Well... I can hear what you are all saying, however my outward actions have been happening because of what I am feeling inside too.

Still unsure where you feel I am accepting his crumbs? I didn't see him toss out any cookies either.

Inside I feel "I am worthy of more" & I am not "his" to have at his disposal. I dread being around him & look for ways to be out of his space. However, I still love him (not sure why anymore).

I don't believe I project "clingy/needy/smothering", especially in the last 3 weeks (and more so this week).

For example last night: He brought coffees, normally I follow him inside (as he opens up) and we sit across the desk from each other and he pulls out his cookies to share. Last night (and a few other times over the past 3 weeks), I decided to take my coffee & sit outside with my lap top & work. He sat inside, by himself. Also, at closing time, we were discussing foreclosure & how he may have to contact that female agent for her opinion (normally I would react jealous or enquire about her part - I DON"T anymore). We then got interrupted by a phone call on his phone (normally I would have waited & waited until he was done as to finish OUR convo), this time I waved bye and left. It was kind of rude how he dismissed our conversation to take a phone call.

Also, he goes out of his way pretty much daily to pick up coffee in town & buy's special cookies too. He does not live anywhere near the coffee shop. He does this to maintain "time" with me.

If he doesn't "want" me... all of me, I will not "give" him me.... anymore.

I understand from DB, that I have to fake it till I make it.... and that is what I am doing.

I do understand that I have inward work to still do. I know that letting go & behaving as such goes against my feelings for 20 years... I am naturally fighting against myself... I am working on this, with each thought that pops in my head. I am pretty sure I have begun dropping the rope. I understand that I have to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, however its hard to believe when his words have said otherwise. Yes, I know they are words. But, his confusion & how much it upsets him is what I see/know. I am still going to base it on he doesn't want me for now, therefore he doesn't get the "fun, loving, interesting, available, sexual MM" anymore! I am withdrawing because he is not behaving like a person who is deserving of ME.