Do it again...

[rayzzz]

[quote]/ away. If I have learned anything in my time traveling the world, it is the power of hope. The power of one person—Washington, Lincoln, King, Mandela and even a young girl from Pakistan—Malala—one person can change the world by giving people hope.

So, if you want to change the world, start singing when you’re up to your neck in mud.[quote]
Man I love how this totally affirms it takes one to tango! Thanks for sharing

[watto14]

You've had quite a journey so far riverrat, your story is Inspirational to read, keep moving toward your goals, and your little girl will proud of you, no matter what

[RiverRat812]

Just got back from my first visit my my daughter. What was supposed to be a cut and dry day turned into a bit of a mess but it ended as a draw. One of the conditions of the visit was that we were not going to engage each other in conversation

I stopped at the bank before I arrived at the house. I've been in a bit of a financial jam since the last S and haven't had my own personal checking or saving account in 5 years. Quite frankly, I was afraid that I would get turned down because of stuff from the past. Walked out with a new checking and savings account, online banking and the paperwork for direct deposit. May not see like much to anyone but this was a big 180 for me, score one for the team...

Since I got done with the bank early, I texted ahead and asked if I could arrive early. I explained that I was at the bank taking care of some stuff and got done sooner than expected. I immediately got a phone call asking what I was doing at the bank. I explained that I was taking control of my personal finances and that nothing I had done affected the joint accounts. We also discussed the particular of the joint account and direct deposit. I even went so far as to agree to pay above the agreed upon amount if there was a specific need and I had advanced warning. I told her she was free to transfer the money deposited for her to her own account if felt it necessary. I think this conversation was VERY productive and it is one of the three "approved" topics of discussion.

I arrived on time and started my visit, my daughter and I spent the first hour work on the home network and cable TV issue. My career is in IT and my daughter simply loves "helping Daddy fix computers", so it was an enjoyable time for both of us. We got all the issues resolved, I should add that all the issues that we fixed were caused by me last weekend when I went into a downward spiral that led to my moving out. Not my proudest moment. I will cover that weekend in a later post.

When we were wrapping up with the computer stuff, I revealed a surprise to my daughter. I had installed Skype on her computer so we could chat or call without having to tie up the W's cell phone. The W was initial skeptical, she questioned as to whether I could use it to "spy" on them. I told her that I had no intention of that and gave her all the credentials to the computer to prove that point. It should be said, I don't have a past history of doing that. She has been the one to do that but given the fact that I had an A years ago, it's completely understandable.

After that, I asked my daughter was she would really like to do and she told me she really wanted to play Wii with me, so we played video games for HOURS. She kept peppering me with questions, at age 4 she had a lot of questions but now she was hitting me with tough questions. The answers to these questions have been a source of confict between the W and I. I am a child from a divorce, she is not. I tried to as the D's questions as best I could with the vague answers that we had agreed on. But every answer elicited another tough question.

After a couple hours, the W informed us that she was stepping out for a moment to go to the store. This was a surprise, she had been adamant that the first few visits were done while she was there and I was not to leave with our daughter under any circumstance. The reasons will get covered in a later post.

We kept playing games while she was gone, the questions stopped and she just turn to me and said "Daddy, I don't want you to pack up your stuff and I don't want you to leave!" I tried to explain why I had to with "official story" but found myself at a loss for words. I was afraid to say anything that the W my misinterpret. At that point my daughter started having a meltdown. I consoled her and explained the best I could, while texting the W and telling her that I really need her there with me to help me with this.

By the time the W returned, everything was fine again with the daughter and we were back to playing games. This was the time that I was supposed to go and pack up the things I needed to get and I went off to do that. I was in the basement packing up, when the wife came down and started talking to me about how we were going to handle C for the daughter and our MC. That talk went alright but it somehow morphed into a discussion of about the condo and arrangements about that. This conversation hung on the edge of a knife, it felt like it could go bad at any moment since there was talks by both of us whether I should remain on the lease and even keep any of my stuff there or put it in storage. This is a result of her changing the locks last Saturday.

Then things went downhill fast as the talks changed to visitation and custody. These talks were broken up by the W asking me very direct questions about was I was doing as far as my own personall healing. At one point I had to explain that no matter what I told her, she was goal to have to rely on what she saw from me as being the answers to her questions. The W is insistent that she is "fiercely protective" of our D and that she is the one that will be deciding what's best for our D. I felt that my rights as a father were being trampled, told her so and the conversation started to get real tense. Both of us alternated in pulling back and pursuing for several rounds until I finally broke off permanently. I had to get away from it, I was having an anxiety attack.

I packed my car and somehow in the process of doing that, the W and D started asking me if I would take the D swimming in the pool when I was done. I was blown away after the way the talks ended, I could not figure this out. I tried halfheartedly to decline the offer, explaining that I had to go and take care of other stuff. In spite of my protests, I ended up getting coerced into going over with the both of them. The D and I swam while the W watched us behind her sunglassses the entire time. It was very awkward and downright weird.

We left the pool, I changed and then went and got my daughter dressed for bed, I told her a story. Before going up to read to her, I asked the wife for a favor and before I could even get the words out, she said "Sorry, I'm not ready to hug you yet."

The vets are all groaning and facepalming while saying "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????" I was testing the waters, I admit it was a stupid thing to do. I had to do it and now that it's done, I won't make that mistake again!

Normally we alternate reading to her or just letting her read a book to us before bed. Instead I told her a story I made up about a King, name King Rat and a Princess and how the King had to sail away across the sea but how he kept sending his love back to the Princess until he returned.

The W then informed me that she had to run out again, I spent those few moments with the D talking yet again about why things were the way they were. The wife returned and it was time for me to say goodbye. I may have spent a little too much time doing that but I'm sure that I won't do that again.

I had one more errand to run before my day was done, it's a 180 and a goal, I won't get into it now but I will say it felt good to do it. I'll be doing it after every visit and before I'm done, I explain what it is and why I feel I need to do it.

We had a plan for this visit and neither one of us held to it. I can only take care of my side of the street and I intend on doing a better job next time. I really felt good anxious before I left, started to feel good shortly after I arrived, felt really horrible when things went bad and then left feeling totally confused. I'm sticking to my plan next time, following the rules and I will detach and depart if things go bad again.

If Sandi's 37 questions were a test, I failed with a score of 45%... The week started out miserable and got better from there. Today wasn't a win or a loss, it was a draw and I'm happy to settle for that. I learned a lot from this initial visit. Before I left, I dryly quipped to the W "Well, this went better than expected. It can only go up from here" and laugh a very unconvincing laugh. Did this week suck? Oh, you better believe it! It started out horrible and got better in spite of being a very messed up situation. Today had it's bright shining moments as well as it's dark ones. If today sucked, then tomorrow will suck a little less. Embrace the suck, they say. I have some of my creature comforts again, so I don't feel so adrift and lost.

Tomorrow is down time, it's a ME day. I'm going to spend it settling in to my new living situation. Then I'm going to go into next week with the fruits of my achieved goals and make it better than this last one.

[RiverRat812]

Here is my midweek recap of things since my last post.

Comes a time, when a blind man takes your hand and says "Don't you see?"
You gotta make it some how, on the dreams you still believe
Don't give up. You got an empty cup that only love can fill."

Sunday started rough. I did not sleep the night before, spent my time processing my thoughts about the previous day and some of the things the W said. That morning, mom and I were supposed to do laundry. The W texted me that the Internet was still down and I offered suggestions to fix. Had a phone call with her and my D while she was tring out my suggestions. After the phone call, I texted the wife and told her I thought it would be best if we went and petitioned the courts to grant her temporary sole legal custody of my D for the near future. The W did not take that well and reponding that she would need to consult a L before she would consider that. I finished that conversation by saying she was free to do so but any L she consulted with would tell her that not only was I giving her what she wanted but that the way I was suggesting we do it was completely opposite of how it's done. Typically, the custodial parent petitions for sole legal custody, not the non-custodial asking the courts for it to be granted to the other parent. Shortly after that, I texted her and told her to ignore everything I had said that morning, no further contact that morning for either of us.

Yes... This was incredibly stupid and broke a bunch of rules. I was operating from a very insecure and vulnerable place. I was not thinking or acting in a rational manner. Yet another learning experience, always think everything through, sit on a decision, seek advice from someone you trust and wait some more before acting or speaking on it.

After laundry, I went and spent the day doing research on the signs and symptoms that I had been displaying recently and how they fell into previosu diagnosis. I finally had to come to the realization that I had been in denial for a long time about how severe my condition was. I have Type 1 Bipolar Disorder and it has been untreated for most of my life. This does not go against a previous diagnosis I got before my last S. Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and placed on medication but stopped taking my meds because I did not believe the diagnosis or that the meds were working. I know now that I was probably between mood cycles at that time, so that's why I wasn't showing the obvious signs of a active episode. Plus my drinking was masking a lot of the signs as well as clouding my perception.

I texted the wife later that evening and told her what I learned during the day, I believe in my situation, it would be best if I were totally honest about what I am doing in recovery. Incredibly, she texted me back about a few other technical questions, that some mutual friends had reached out to her wishing us luck in getting through these hard times and that she had sent me an email about some resources I should look into for further treatment options.

The goal from this... Get treatment and get back on medication ASAP!!!

Monday... Not much to say about the day, she sent me one text and I did not respond since it didn't requite a in immediate response. Had a Skype call with my D in the evening, during the call, my W kept texting me about the D and asked me if I would come over Tuesday and visit with D before her child psycholgist appointment. Text messages switch to W asking me for additional funds for bills and I agree that I will give her more money this pay period but that direct dpeosit switches in two weeks and that she would have to get by with the amount she originally requested.

Tuesday... Direct Deposit paperwork submitted with my employer. I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon. I texted W asking what time I should stop by to see my D. I stopped over at the agreed upon time, W had fixed dinner for us. More video games with the D and more hard questions. Went to the child psycholgist and met with her, this is supposed to be for D to cope but I'm confused since she seems to be doing a great job without it. I go back and tell my D a bedtime story and say my goodbye, a long one to the D and a very short one to the W. W texts me on my way home with a proposal to meet me halfway the next time I have a visitation day, she says she wants to be considerate of me and all the travelling I have to do. She also texts about D's visits with my parents and suggests a plan, I tell her I would think about it.

Wednesday... A day of woe. This would be our first MC since I have moved out. I began the morning by texting my discussion points for the session and asked that she do the same, that was so we could focus on the issues and not get sidetracked by feelings. Some of my points had to do with visitation and W said I needed to slow down. W texted me her topics by noon and we had no further texts until the afternoon. W texted me as a was leaving work and asked if we could meet before our session to go over the household budget and I agreed. We also texted back and forth about another topic for discussion, that was the events that preceeded my departure. I agreed that we could spend as much time on it as needed. The session went well but it was very painful for me. There were things I needed to say and even more that I needed to hear. W asked if we could talk after the session and I agreed.

We sat on a bench and talked about a vacation for D and I and the best way to do that made W feel comfortable. We also taked more about my recovery. Then the talk turned to R. We took some time to look at past failures and successes. It's going to take time, we both acknowledge that. We agreed at that time that D is not on the table for either one of us at that moment. W called me three times on my ride home as well as texted me.

I got over the hump this week, I am scheduled to visit with them on Friday. Then I will be getting my D for a Daddy/Daughter Day on Saturday,

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I guess I should say I feel like an outlier on DB... I'm the F*ck Up Spouse. It seems as though every story is one where the DB'ing spouse is trying to work with a partner with major issues that led to the breakdown of the marriage. In my relationship, I'm the one with the major issues that need 180's and I'm here on DB seeking help with my sitch as a way of improving myself and rebuilding my M. So if you are the spouse of a F*ck Up, take heart from this, anyone can come around if given the chance.

[RiverRat812]

It's been two weeks since my last post... Time for an update.

Goals -

Finances are in order for the most part. I have been working on a debt reduction plan that will leave me with no oustanding debt or financial obligations by March 2015. I'll be in a position to afford my own place quite comfortably, plus my credit should be in very good shape by that time.

I started taking Chatix three days ago, I will be quitting cigarettes on 8/3... My 44th Birthday. I promised myself that I would quit before my daughter caught me smoking.

Sobriety is one I'm still struggling with. I do not do well with triggers and the W. I need to avoid any discussions that may be triggers and with that in mind, I've gotten bettter about avoiding communication except when necessary and only on the agreed upon topics. I've had a few slips in the past month and I need to start going to meeting to get more support in this area.

I saw a prescribing LPN today and got a presciption for Depakote. If I respond well to this will stay on it, if not I'll be switched to Lithium. Once my levels are where they should be with the Depakote, I'll be started on Zoloft. This means that the end of the emotional rollercoaster ride is in sight, This was a significant piece of progress in allowing me freedom from thoughts and actions that have done a lot of damage to the W, the R and me.

I've been go regularly to my IC and we are actively working on a recovery plan that will allow me to reach my established goals. I'm not going to delve into the specifics since there are some things I am reluctant to discuss in an open forum.

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As for DB'ing... I've done alright the past few weeks. I had a difficult 4th, I was in a deep depression that day. I went over to visit with my D at the house and had a very hard time maintaining my composure. Lots of triggers and lot of unresolved feelings every time I step foot into the place. I managed to get through that day and I was scheduled to pick my D up the following day to take her to visit with my dad. The drop off went alright, except for the fact that she was 20 minutes late. I didn't mention that I was bother by it and just let it go. My D and I had a great day together with my dad and stepmother. I ended up dropping my daughter off at the house, and found myself getting troubled by a few things. One was the fact that my W and D were going away this week for our family vacation without me. There had been no real discussion about the trip, I was simply informed that there were still going and that I was welcome to join them for one day so that we could spend the time as a family. The other thing troubling me was a discussion we had a few days prior about the switch in visitation days from saturday to Sunday and how that would mean that my W wouldn't be able to take our D to church.

I was meeting friends after I dropped my D off, so I took the time to call my W and express my concerns about these issues. We didn't talk long then but agreed to talk more later that night. I waited until the agreed time and called her back. I expressed the concern that as co-parents, we needed to reach a mutually agreeable decision on matters such as these and that there needed to be discussions had before my W goes and makes unilateral decisions. I expressed that I still needed to be treated as a peer and that my opinion mattered as far as the raising of our daughter. I also stated that I am quite willing to compromise but there still need to be dialog for that to happen. That part of the conversation went well.

Then the conversation turned to the R, the past and the future. I listened and validation, I didn't let anything get to me. This was a very difficult thing for me, I had to hear my W tell me in very blunt terms about all the things I have done that have caused he pain and suffering. And how it was going to take a very long time for their to be any healing. That even with that healing, we may not reconcile. Divorce may not be on the table now, that doesn't mean it's ruled out in the future. That conversation went on for 30 minutes and ended with me thanking her for taking the time to talk to me and for explaining her position.

The week after that was pretty much no contact except for MC, we went to our session and discussed the usual topics as well as my recovery. We sat on our bench afterwards and discussed finances as well as the trip and whether I should come up. We both agreed at that point that it would be best if we put our stuff aside and spent the day as a family.

No other contact for the rest of the week until it was time for me to pick up my daughter on Sunday to go to a family cookout. Initially my daughter did not want to leave with me but I gave her some time and eventually she wanted to go and we left. We spent the morning doing errands and stuff that I needed to do and we talked about things. She's still asking hard questions and I'm still at a loss for answers. We went to the cookout finally and that was rough. It was all families there and the only one without their spouse was me. Eventually my W showed up, an hour after she was suppose to arrive to pick up D. She spent a few minutes with me talking, mostly telling me what an emotional day she had. Then she socialized with my family while I wrapped up with my D.

At that point, I knew there was no way I could go on the trip this week. I was due to head up on Tuesday and meet them. I made it through most of Monday and in the afternoon, my W texted me and inquired about whether I was coming. She then told me she wasn't sure how she felt about it and that sealed the deal. I told her that I would not be coming up, to have a great trip and that I would talk to her this weekend when I picked up my D. And from then on, I went dark... She continued to text me throughout the day, she had changed her mind and thought that even though it might be difficult, I should come up any way. I did not respond any more for the rest of the night.

Yesterday, I ended up spending the day at my mom's not doing much. She texted me around noon checking in and asking if I was ok. I texted back that I was fine and explained why I didn't come up after all. She wanted to call me but I declined at first, then told her it was alright. She had really bad phone reception so we were never able to talk on the phone. I texted her and told her to enjoy the rest of the trip again, and reiterated that I would be picking up my D this weekend. She texted me again today and I have not responded.

Clearly I'm still struggling with dropping the rope and acting as-if... On one hand I want to let her go so she can heal, on the other I know that I need to do it so I can heal. But it's just so hard walking a line between not enough discussion and too much. She clearly wants to know how I'm doing and I'm never sure how much I should tell her. I've done well with not texting her until she texts me, or calling... I'm trying to avoid R talks entirely. But I keep getting dragged into it because I'm alone and afraid.

So that's it for now.

[Gotan74]

Good luck I am also working on me but I still have goals for my R the first is to hold my W hand again.