Possilble WAW

[dawgy]

She seems to be taking a little bit from me every couple days . She snuck out of the house last night for an hr or so when i had to go out . My son called me and asked me where she went . I didnt even know she was going . Ive been hugging her and giving her a kiss before I go to work for years and that seems to be disolving .I gave her one this morning and it was lifeless . Does she not love me anymore ??? She thinks she loves this OM but I know its only lust but you cant tell them that , they will only dismiss it .I hurt extremely bad but Im trying hard to follow the list . I feels so wrong to basically say go on have your fun , Im gonna go about my business , if you want to leave me go ahead , I ll be alright .I havent seem any good results from employing DB yet except a better mood from her if I dont talk about the affair .But why wouldnt she be in a better mood . She gets to live her life and have her affair with no consequences .Cake eat I guess they call it . But I guess thats the DB plan , let her have the time and space till the affair withers and runs its course . Then piece it back together after the affair . What if the affair doesnt wither ???

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, I didn't think my W's affair would wither. Back in Dec she said she loves me but is not in love with me. She said she was in love with OM. She kept going to ML with him and that was killing me. I started DBing in March and by early June she said the A was over - he had too many problems. She claims NC but I still don't trust her - that rebuilding of trust is going to take time. But we've ML since then and she's leaning towards reconciliation.
As for your sitch, She does love you but is not in love with you - this is a text book sitch. Don't hug and kiss her when she leaves for work unless she initials it. I know that's tough. The first time I did that it was so hard that I burst into tears once she was out of sight. It gets easier. And it ABSOLUTELY necessary to do that. Don't tell her I love you. I know that's hard too. She needs to feel what it's like without you. The more you pull away the more she will be drawn back to you. It's so friggin hard to do but believe me it works. As soon as you pursue she'll back away, into OM's arms. So don't pursue. Back off. Yes, the A is fuelled by chemicals in the brain. And those chemicals will make her oblivious to reason or logic. Yes she will eat cake. But better right now that she eats cake a bit and you work on yourself than any other alternate plan of action.
The A will wither. May take some time. Yes, with a WAW it has gone too far off the rails. Like Sandi says, now you have to take the long way around. Patience. GAL. Read. Learn. Change.
Make a plan (you can check out my plan on my thread). When in crisis consult your plan, not your emotions. Stay Calm, Constant, Consistent and Confident (the 4 C's).

[dawgy]

Thx Pete . You are really helping me here bud . Iknow to some its just a reply to a message but to me it is real support in a very difficult time in my life . I thank god for people like you that actually care about the world and people in it . Im not religious in the least but Ive been doing a lot of praying . What you say rings so very true in regards to my sitch . I hope that things are getting better for you big time . Your wife really messed up betraying a good guy like you . The same goes for me however I can say I dont really blame my wife for everything because the " FOG ' is definitely skewing her rational . And you ll likely agree the same goes for your wife . Thx again Pete , you brightened my day

[PeterV2]

No problem Dawgy. Yeah they can be in a fog for sure. It also helps me to write to you my suggestions. Gives me a chance to put my thoughts into concrete actions. I can tell you that before D day I was in a fog too - not paying attention to her needs, too busy to spend the time with her she wanted. I'm a changed man now. Stopped rushing around. Stopped filling my plate with stuff. Now she resents that I have time in the evenings to sit and read. I told her that spare time that I spend reading in the evenings for lack of anything else to do, is being reserved for her if she comes home. She didn't really respond to that one, but I'll bet she took it in. We're spending more and more time together. Just chatting. Some therapists say you need 8 hours a week, others say 15 hours a week to fill the love bucket. I recommend a book called His Needs Her Needs. Good to put things in perspective.

[Riley]

Dawgy,

In addition to DR, and maybe DB, get "I Love You but I am Not in Love With You" by Andrew Marshall.

Work on being a "spouse, no spouse would leave."

Understand what factors led to where you are now and like Sandi's rules, let your spouse "think" you're happy and moving on. It does sound counterproductive but think of 2 magnets: when the positive and negative are facing each other the magnets cling together. Its a little similar to how you and your W came together. If you show her "love" and "hope" now you are giving her positive side a fellow positive. Flip the magnet and you will get a new result. It takes time and in time you will see new results

[dawgy]

Pete I am confused , If i am detaching how can I fill the love bucket with 8 to 15 hrs a week ? This must be for when the affair is over ??? I thought DBing was being scarce and unavailable .

[pilot]

Now she resents that I have time in the evenings to sit and read. I told her that spare time that I spend reading in the evenings for lack of anything else to do, is being reserved for her if she comes home. She didn't really respond to that one, but I'll bet she took it in.

No no no. That is pursuing. Of course she did not respond to that. If anything say you have made time for yourself.

Keep up the good work though

[dawgy]

I had an interesting evening . She came home on time for supper . Made supper and was in a fairly good mood . I ate and then left till 9pm came home and seen the boys off to bed . Then I got a coat and boots on and said im going out > She asked me where I was going and I just said I need to go for a ride on my Harley and thats what I did . I got home at1am . She had the blankets pulled back for me to get into bed . So i got in and rolled away from her to go to sleep .She rolled over to me and tried to cuddle but I pretended not to care ( even though it was tearing me up inside , I wanted to roll over and hold her sooo bad )i stayed in bed this morning and slept . Then she usually leaves for town with out saying goodbye ,or where shes goin or anything . But this morning she felt the need to come down and wake me up and tell me she was going to town and the things she had to do , then gave me a hug .Wow , that wasnt expected . My question is , and it may not matter but did she behave like that because of me pulling away ( DBing ) or was she being like that because she feels guilty because shes going to town to be with OM ?

[pilot]

It would be mind reading to try and figure out her motives. If she wants to cuddle with you at night, go ahead. It is a way for her to feel close to you. As long as you do not initiate it. Remember to keep the road home paved smooth.

[PeterV2]

It was the DBing. Pulling away draws her in. But when she comes in don't cling on like a love sick puppy. Give her a cuddle if she initiates it and then move away again so she's left wanting more.
Once the A is over then you can spend time as long as it's detached and light. No heavy talk. (I'm one to talk - I'm guilty of seeking heavy talk all the time and it's so hard to restrain myself).