First bit of an update. Wednesday night was my first contact with W for any prolonged period of time. Kept it light and easy, and then she started into a discussion about when she could get time away. I offered the Friday night. She complained it wasn't long enough, and started to get very upset about how little time she is getting away. I sat down on the couch, STFU, and listened to her vent. Then I spoke, echoing whet she was asking. It has to mostly do with the schedule for the weekends, when the kids are in activities. I know from when I was snooping that OM is really frustrated with lack of time etc, and they are having problems. My W asked if I had even read the letter she sent.
This gave me a chance to verbally address some of the issues, and I told her I would be sending a response. I just emphasized how tough and overwhelming running the household must have been, especially if she felt she was doing it on her own. Nothing else was really discussed, and we agreed on the times for the weekend.
Forward to the next day, W has the kids for most of the day, but they stay at my house at night. When I get home from work, I have a text message that I don't respond to. Then she calls me, and tells me she is unfit to be a mom, is unable to handle the kids in public, and tells me about how horrible the last two days have been when she has had the kids. She tells me a neighbour 300 feet away came by in the day to see if she was ok, and said she could hear her yelling from her house, and wanted to make sure the kids were ok. My nanny wasn't here at this time.
I spoke with her for a few minutes, emphasizing how it must be tough to feel like you are a horrible mom, and just listened. Then as soon as I could, I got off the phone. I did point out I do not think she is a horrible mom, using examples of great things she has done in the past. She was feeling judged by everyone, our neighbour, people at the grocery store.
In short, the pattern of feeling judged and inadequate to do her role is always coming to the surface. In the past I always attempted to negate this or argue this, and now I realize I needed to be supportive in a different way and help her realize and fight her demons herself with tools. I only wish we had done more IC earlier.
I will post my draft tomorrow morning, but I'm late for my movie now.
