How often does that cheating get brought up in arguments or conversations with you all?
If you are to stay married, you never bring it up again. NEVER in an argument.
It's only discussed as something to learn from and forgive, or you split up.
Here is where I learned that...
Growing up we lived near a military family and the "Colonel" was a bit of a handsome hero in our eyes, very fun and kind and also had been a POW in Vietnam.
He and his wife had 5 kids...some years earlier before we met them, the Colonel had also had an affair.
How did I, a 17 y/o know this? Well, we all knew b/c somehow the Colonels' wife, let us know, as well as their children.
She'd change topics if we asked the Colonel about his years as a POW> and I used to think she was protecting him from nightmarish memories...but then I'd notice the snide remarks or the undermining...she really truly did not want us to see him as a hero at all...
and she deeply resented the past, even though he no longer was having an A...
30+ years later, only one of their kids is married and the others all divorced, at least twice...
INSTEAD the wife could have done the work it takes to forgive (or divorce)
and left a legacy of commitment, forgiveness and redemption and maybe a great marriage could have been resurrected (yes there are religious allegories here)
but instead, she taught them to stay married AND stay miserable
and they each distrusted their spouse or cheated on them (before they became the victim of adultery they became the adulterer)
and so I learned then, that if I ever had to forgive something difficult, I would do whatever it takes OR I would let it go.
If you do stay married after an affair it's only b/c you believe you BOTH want the marriage to work. That requires forgiveness and some work on the cheater's part to regain trust.
But for sure the 2 essentials are that, IF YOU RECONCILE
you cannot bring an A up in an argument, and you cannot hold it over their heads. Ever...
The wayward spouse Needs to know that they are safe in their efforts to regain trust and that this won't be thrown in their face or have it hanging over them forever...that they will be allowed to get past it (or why bother trying?)
, or they will not want to try and do so much rebuilding - just to have their spouse try and shame them.
Someone here said she punished her h over several years...and now he's had another A. Yikes.
All I can tell you is this...Most marriage vows say "From this day forward" and I think that is brilliant and useful.
Take those words literally and stop bringing up the past. You do not have to agree on the past or what happened or why...
but you DO have to agree on the future and how to restore and nurture the relationship.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
