negative voice creeping in

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for recommendations db2013, I think I read the original article but definitely worth a re read.:)
Ben, I get what your saying, I have had serious jealousy issues over the past few years,

do you ever wonder if the jealousy played a role BEFORE he had an affair? I ask this b/c one pattern I've seen quite a lot in life and here, is how some partners bring about the very thing they fear the most.

EXAMPLE: Imagine a couple that has a possessive controlling guy in it. He starts fearing that he's losing his w's interest so he gets all smothering on her,

and all she wants is some space and freedom to THINK and maybe make a choice of her own now and then (instead of having to defend every choice she makes...)

and then the jealous insecure guy REALLY gets going with his fears b/c she has distanced herself a bit, and he finally pushes her into the arms of OM for at least an EA...which makes him go all Stalker on her and then she has a PA with OM...

and the guy then yells "SEE? I KNEW you'd cheat! I was right!"

But in fact it's quite possible if he'd been more secure in the first place, LESS controlling, he would have held her interest and she'd never have wandered...

I know in some cases it has happened that way, and it's ironic b/c it really means that we can bring about or cause to happen, the very thing we most want NOT to happen.



after the first time h cheated, I told him and myself that I was over it, but then in truth I wasn't, I punished for the next 5 years,

As I posted elsewhere, I truly believe that this^^ is the worst choice to make. To stay married and stay miserable.

If you cannot forgive, you must let him go.

It's not fair to either of you to hold the sword of Damacles over his head forever, to make him climb Mt Everest and STILL not be enough to trust...or to throw it in his face every fight you have or each time he is late from work...

I know for a fact that there are couples who really do forgive and move forward. Maybe you are not one of them.

Forgiveness is a learned skill. Many of us never saw it growing up, so we have to go acquire it as a life tool/skill.

I don't know any long term marriage that has lasted, without chunks of forgiving.

How was forgiveness modeled for you in your childhood?

What have you done to learn how to forgive?


and in between that his father passed away very suddenly, we had twins, the usual roller coaster, he's 7 yrs younger than me and I think that plays a part too,

well, the age difference is only a factor to you, probably. But that plays on your insecurities and fears--- and then---= your resentment and ---- then more negative behaviors from you ----, which pushes him away more...

AND you have twins, which is hard on any couple b/c it's twice the work and effort (and joy too, but there is something to be said for spreading the births out a bit)...

--- and he had a death in his family. That is a lot for any couple, even if they are "normal life events", putting them together AND THEN if you add in your jealousy and all the punishments---, ...

not a recipe for success.

What would you do now, if you had it all to do over again??


we got together when he was 22 and maybe that's part of it too, he says he still loves me but there's nothing else there. .. sorry for the scattered reply