I agree Starsky. I know as I have been reading this thread some are coming across to me that he should "shut up". Maybe they aren't saying that in actual words, but I agree with what I believe Grey is hearing because that is what I seem to be kind of hearing also. I am hearing.."Hey, you don't have it so bad, quit complaining and stop thinking about yourself and think about what your wife is feeling"
Now I know people don't think that is what they are saying, but that is also what I am reading and hearing.
(Well, we really don't know what his wife is feeling, and the only way to find out is to see if we can get her to talk about it in an adult manner because anything else is just an educated guess at best.)
I would say that maybe if the advice one gives doesn't seem to be heard, try a different approach.. You know what they say when you don't jive with a therapist. Go find another therapist. (just sayin)
I hear you Grey. I do. I think you did a smart thing by coming on here and looking for some direction.
Here is a bit of what Michelle says on the topic...
Quote:
Do (or did) you and your spouse have significantly different levels of desire for sex? If so, you are not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3 couples has a sexual desire gap? But just because you aren't alone, it doesn't mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn't. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity and divorce. If you don't believe me, watch this TEDx talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
The No's have veto power.
Here's the scoop. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex -- if she or he doesn't want it, it generally doesn't happen. This is not due to maliciousness or a desire for power and control, it's just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can attest that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.
This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn't. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love's longevity.
I will talk to you about it Grey. I believe you are doing the right thing by trying to nip this in the bud NOW, before it is too late.
My suggestion is to get a game plan for having another talk with your wife. I don't believe that she REALLY feels and understands how important this issue is and will become unless you have a heart to heart. Maybe you will have to write her a letter first. That is something we have to figure out.
The first step to me is that you need to feel safe on here to be able to discuss your frustrations without feeling like you have to shut up and defend yourself. I must be seeing things differently because I don't see you being selfish at all about this issue. It's just a fact, that this is an important need you have within a relationship. Of course you can learn to live without it, but I don't believe that was your reason for asking for advice on this issue. You want your wife to want to have sex with you more, and you want to feel like she really wants it too.
We need to get you some type of game plan for communicating this to your wife. The game plan needs to make sure the way you express it is correct, the timing as good as possible, and a plan for your replies for each and every possible reaction we can think of that she may or could have.
