She says she's conflicted

[25yearsmlc]

"Why I even fight for her anymore I don't know..."

I have a theory that as the situation continues without positive progress, there comes a point in which the LBS becomes the WAS.

I believe you have to take a break from pursuing and from trying to win her back, and not only fix yourself, but take time to consider what the R would be like if she suddenly changed her mind and dropped OM and came back.

Would you be able to get past her transgressions? could you truly forgive? and not hold it over her head?

I know, for me, even while i was pursuing, and trying to save the marriage, i also realized i could not.

I have my demons. I did things that I am ashamed of.(no affairs though)
I feel I could forgive.

Start on that now, regardless of what she does/says/feels. It's about letting go of it for your sake, not hers.

At this time, the matter of OM is consuming YOU.

The saying applies: "When you hang onto anger - to punish someone else--

it's like lighting yourself on fire...-----to get smoke in their eyes.
.


The issue is the fact that she fell for a fake phony fraud, and was more interested in his happy go lucky con man life style is what bothers me more than what she may or may not have done with him.

Hmmm, no, the "issue" is you must work on yourself. Ox You don't sound stable or "strong" right now, not to me.

A big part of my "caveman" theory about what appeals to women is NOT about how physically strong or big you are

(though being in good health and good shape counts);

it's about the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL strength a woman can get from a man...a man we can lean on, figuratively and emotionally...that type of man or partner, is calm, not easily angered, very in control of HIMSELF, not controlling others...

Read the letter from the WAW again ----you admit you did mistreat her for a long time and you still do,

but especially the last part about you merely wanting to "win" this...and not so much about how you are in love with or fascinated by her or wanting a happy m.

You never bothered to make any changes in yourself until OM showed up, so how is it that your wife is supposed to believe in your claims of being a different new man? Can you see why she'd hesitate? I sure would.

Ox, we know this hurts...but its now officially an insane dynamic...

You don't seem to believe YOU must change significantly, and that scares me. It scares your wife too. We know this b/c she says it does and she acts consistent with that belief. So does OM, frankly.

The comments he makes may seem bizarre and outrageous b/c hey, HE is an OM!

And yet there is one other dimension to this situation, which he points out (just b/c OM is the messenger, does not mean the content of the message is false)

Ox YOU HAVE GOTTEN PHYSICAL WITH YOUR WIFE before.

Her comments about you "raping" her are alarming to me...(perceived orgasm or not...) are very alarming to me.

and the fact that you COULD ASSAULT YOUR WIFE --- is A BIG RED FLAG.

Yes, I see your wounded pride and ego all over this situation.

You admit you have long had a volatile (and probably abusive) marriage.

So it seems to me that a big part of you, maybe the biggest, just wants to "WIN"...
maybe if she left you and then dated a different OM, you would be fine...or if she stayed alone and single all her life, that would be fine.

Just wanting to keep her from THIS OM, is not the same as wanting to restore a marriage...