Hi Heather, In my W's case, I knew all about her family history. The thing is she had the attitude that she would NEVER put her kids through the pain of D, would do whatever was necessary as D was for people who didn't want to work on their M. She told me that was what she had learned from her parents problems. I believed her as I thought that no one would want to put their own kids through the pain she had been put through. In the end, once her MLC took hold, she ended up doing EXACTLY the thing she always swore she never would. This is one of the reasons I can't understand how she changed her "feelings" so much so fast and at the same time, is taking advice from the very man who hurt her and her family so badly.
Her mothers experience did determine certain things about her life. Her mother quit college to get married and had limited skills to make a living after her father left. My W refused to get married until she finished her degree so she could be "independent" (something I think is part of her MLC now as she feels like she lost much of her independence during our M). She has trust issues not only when it comes to men but other women as well. Her mother didn't take the D well and never got on with her life. She hardly dated and is still single today. My W see's this as her mother, who tried as hard as she could to save her M and family, as the "loser" and her father who sails around the world in his yacht, as the "winner". Until we got married, my W ended EVERY relationship she ever had. She even said to me she always "won" and would break up as soon as things started to get serious.
My oldest D19 has said that the biggest mystery to her is that, growing up, her mother drilled in her that D was wrong and she would NEVER do it. My D knows that our M wasn't at all "bad". That her mom and I always had a loving R and knows that I would do whatever I could for her. We hardly fought, seldom disagreed. Her family would always say how much they knew I loved and cared for her. In the end this wasn't enough.
The thing you need to know is just how horrible a man her father really is. He was called a Sociopath by the family therapist they saw after the D when her brother started acting out. He manipulates everyone around him. I would call him the poster child for NPD. I really do believe the combination of her mothers not being able to move on with her life and her fathers total, uncaring, all about HIM lifestyle and his ability to give my W just enough to give her hope and make her feel like SHE wasn't "good enough" is what led to her MLC. She has spent her entire life trying to get him to care about her, to love her. He would give her just enough to hope and then, in front of others, tear her down. As a father myself of 2 girls, I can't even begin to understand how he can act this way. He seems to thrive on the feeling of power this gives him. I do know his childhood wasn't a good one with neither of his parents giving him much love.
In other words it's up to how you react to their father leaving as well as how he decides to interact with them that will determine much of how their future R's go. I really think that I must, for their sake more than my own, raise above the way that my W has decided to just throw away her family, to "find her joy" at the expense of her obligations as a W and mother. THIS is why, even if it didn't work, I am so upset that she refused to even try to work on the marriage. If anyone could see the harmful effects of D, it would be my W. It also shows me that for her to do this, there is MUCH more than simply her being "unhappy" going on. More than just a "bad marriage" or a change of her feelings. I really think she needs help. Help she refuses to get.
I really do have compassion for my W. It's hard sometimes as what she is doing is just so destructive to the things I love the most in this world. I see that she is lost, in pain but at the same time selfish and uncaring to the people that most care about her. You know as well as I do the feeling of betrayal that comes from our sitchs. I'm working on getting past that, which I know I must. It lies at the heart of my anger and for my sake as well as my D's, I must get past it.
It's now up to us to make certain that our kids learn the right lessons. We can't count on our S's to be able to even know right from wrong while in the state they are in. Fair, no. But life isn't fair (something I have taught my D's all their lives). I will tell you this....I think you are up to the task Heather. You are smart, caring and live your life in a way that your D's can be proud of. You can do this and maybe in the future their father will come out of his tunnel and be able to be a better father. Either way, you can show them the way that a strong, smart woman behaves and as far as I can tell you're doing a very good job so far.
