He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[Underdog]

CMF,

Wow, you really have had a difficult path, haven't you?

Wounded asked a really great question too. The answer will be kind of telling.

Past hurts has made me tough so to speak. I realize I couldn't be weak if I were to get anywhere in life so I took on a more masculine outlook--at least outside the home. But this apparently carried into my relationships.

Sigh. I know this one awfully well myself. It dogs me to this day (I've always been a leader and never a follower), and I'm now willing to address it in my IC sessions. It's been tough. Especially because it seems to be very much intertwined with my insanely debilitating trust issues. Your words resonated with me.

And from what you have recently posted, it sounds like both of you have some big barriers there as well. I understand yours - 3 marriages with kids (which is not a valid excuse not to deal with these childhood wounds), but you are a first marriage for your H. Where do you suspect his issues originate? What is his past history there?

One thing your H and my XH share in common is a passive aggressive personality. They are conflict avoiders, because somewhere along their journeys, they were shut down when they dissented. My XH also said what yours said about omissions not being a lie. He also iced that cake by saying to me (in MC): I just feel that what you don't know won't hurt you. Ummm. Not really.

He may very well be entertaining on the side. Until you know, I'd suggest proceeding as if there isn't. I'd make a heartfelt attempt at fixing you. Your history sounds as though you might not manage fears well, or at the very least, your belief system is not congruent with how you live. What I mean by that is this: Are you more afraid of living alone and making things work as a single mom again or being afraid of being alone? If so, what is preventing you from living the life you sound like you really want?

From here, I see a determined woman. You obviously are not afraid of getting down and dirty and making things work. But there is a distinct difference between surviving and thriving. I don't doubt for one second that you are a survivor. (BTW, that's a huge compliment... you sound gutsy.)

I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.

You're absolutely right. There *should* be transparency and trust. So why do you think he chooses to keep you away from whatever truths exist under the surface? My guess is this translates across the board. And please know that I don't think you have the ability (or should) attempt to change this. You can only change you. And just maybe he'll take a cue from you and respond appropriately. I wouldn't be happy about any of this either.

So in the meantime, what are you going to do about gainful (and hopefully meaningful) employment so you can eliminate that albatross hanging around your neck?

How old are your kids and how do they feel about all of this?

I was simply wanting some privacy to change clothes.

Gotcha. But wouldn't just simply closing the door be sufficient? In most societies, a closed door implies a knock is required to gain entry?

I am on day 31 of "The Power of a Praying Wife" and I actually gave the "Wild at Heart" book to my husband to read. He got through a few pages and now it's collecting dust. I will be sure to start in on that book tonight.

Holy crap. I didn't get that book until at least a year into my separation, and it was a suggestion by a male poster here. I guess he must have seen a bit of a ballbuster in me then too. So read away with some kleenex.

I also neglected to say earlier that through this process, you may find out a whole lot about your H that you didn't know before. And please know that his half is HIS responsibility to fix. But that can only work if he's willing to fix it. Until then, you have to fix yourself. I'm not sitting on a pedestal here - I was guilty of a lot of sins in my own marriage. I'm not perfect either, but once I made significant progress in seeing the picture from his perspective, it humbled me enough to see how my actions and words hurt those I love the most. And topping that list was my oldest daughter, who told me when he left, "You scare me, Mom. You're the angriest person I've ever met in my life." Luckily, she no longer remembers that me. She was 8 years old then, and fortunately, I decided that I needed to do a lot of work on myself before I could even consider working on my marriage.

No matter what, you're worth the effort, right?

I'll try to check back on and off this weekend. I'm usually gunning and running these days, especially since it's the weekend before a holiday.

Take care-
Betsey