It didn't occur to me how self-righteous I had been. I locked the bedroom door not to get a reaction out of him. I was simply wanting some privacy to change clothes. It's very awkward and i'm still learning how to behave in the sitch. This is my third marriage and this is his first. My first marriage ended in infidelity on both sides and I married the man I had an affair with. My second H were divorced 9 mos before he passed away in a motorcycle accident. I came into Christ at age 27 and decided not to follow in my parents footsteps. I came from a divorce family and that stuff stays with you.
When I met my H, I was a single parent with two kids working and going to school. So, my life was busy. I had goals and knew where i wanted to go and was doing my hardest to get there. Past hurts has made me tough so to speak. I realize I couldn't be weak if I were to get anywhere in life so I took on a more masculine outlook--at least outside the home. But this apparently carried into my relationships. I expected my H to think and respond like me. I thought since we were in agreement with a lot of things that we were on the same playing field. I became impatient when he would provide me with passive answers of "I don't know, what ever you want." Eventually, I started taking over decisions I knew I could knock out on my own. This is where it started I guess. I felt his passivity and it made me want to compensate some more. When it came to decisions I felt that my decisions were always the best. So, I can understand where he would feel "cut off at the knees" as he would say it. I thought I was just doing him/us a favor by taking one more thing off his plate that he was indifferent about. Naturally, since I didn't feel any opposition from him I thought everything was good. Little did I realize he was bottling it in. This I think made him resent me and now he sees me as selfish and controlling. Which is hard to swallow because I did my best to include him in decisions. I wanted to make sure that he chimed in on things too. I wanted him to feel included. I can't help that he didn't speak up when things bothered him. And yes, I become defensive when we argue. He articulates so well that I get lost in the convo and I can't keep up with what he's saying. I get even more discouraged when he says things like "You don't understand" or "You're not trying." I feel manipulated somehow so my wall goes up. My second H was verbally abusive.
I am on day 31 of "The Power of a Praying Wife" and I actually gave the "Wild at Heart" book to my husband to read. He got through a few pages and now it's collecting dust. I will be sure to start in on that book tonight.
I was angry because he was not truthful about his past. I learned about a girl he dated off and on. Well, she started to text trying to rekindle again. I confronted him and he tried to minimize it. He said would take care of it but a week later she was texting again. Apparently, the girl did not know about me or that we were engaged to be married. For the second time, he said he would take care of it. The text did stop and eventually he got a new number. I felt betrayed and angry. I had just left my life and moved to a neighboring city to be with him and he couldn't be honest with me. He would say that "an omission is not a lie." If I didn't have any children, i would have left. It was a deal breaker for me. But, i gave it a try anyway because I loved him. But I grew increasingly suspicious. Till this day, i don't have access to his credit cards even though I'm an authorized user on one of them. There are no statements that come in the mail but I see payments coming of our account each month. When I've asked he retorts with "well, i don't have access to yours either!" So I offer to exchange info but he doesn't take the bait. Hence, my continued suspicion. I feel that things would not be an issue if he took the time to reassure me (in my language) that I was the only one in his life and give me access to his accounts. I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.
I do want to understand him and give him what he needs but sometimes it takes a while for me realize what it is I need to do/change to accomplish this. I'm seriously considering on signing the separation papers. However, since the condo is in his name he was requested that I move out. I feel this is unfair since it would not just be me and my stuff. It would be me, the kids, the furniture and the possibility of the children changing schools. I told him last night that it may be best if he moved out but he insisted that he wouldn't since this is his home. Well, it's my home too and i don't have a job yet. My children and I packed up and moved to be with him. It was decision i didn't come to lightly and now I'm expected to just get out.
Woundedfool, I've read DR. I've tried "Do something different," 180, and LRT. It has helped softened him a bit but then I get discouraged when the next day he pressures me to sign the separation papers. I read that I should try to stay in the same house and not separate but I feel like the only way I can get him off my back is to give him his separation.
