He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[Underdog]

CMF,

Welcome. You're in a really tough spot and some of this takes me back to my early days of separation. We had a lot of anger, for lots of reasons, and the best thing you can do to turn this ship around is to relieve some of that pressure that makes him angry and focus on everything that's wrong with you and your M.

I personally cringed when I saw that you went in the bedroom and locked the door. Seriously. If he had done that instead of you, you'd probably be pissed off too. That's an action I'd expect out of my sullen teenage girl and not a mature, loving woman. So you're going to have to focus all your behaviors, words and belief systems on doing more of what works and less of what doesn't. Pursuing him, touching him, and wanting R talk is guaranteed to make him angry and more withdrawn.

You need to take a deep breath and back off. Focus on YOU and changing yourself from the inside out and really use what he's told you to make those changes.

For example:

I realized that I was angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be.

Why? What did you want him to be that now you suddenly are okay with him being who he is? What did you do/not do, say/not say, believe/deny that made him feel less than, emasculated, unwanted and unlovable?

It didn't help matters each time he told me that I never listened or don't listen or don't understand.

Uh, sounds like you have a major communication gap here. How do you "listen"? Do you prepare rebuttals for his gripes about you? Are you defensive? Righteous? Need the last word? Need to be right?

You realize that if you're on that end of the spectrum, he's on the losing one. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - wants to lose. There has got to be compromise and respect. And quite truthfully, if what you're stating is true, he sounds henpecked and unappreciated and you sound like a shrew.

And for the record, this was exactly where I was when I began this journey too. Part of it is his own fault - for not standing up for himself, for not fighting you on issues that were important to him, for not managing conflict with you. But part of it is you and your style too.

Are you up for the work it entails to figure this stuff out?

I hardly ever come out of the gate and recommend this book, because it's a toughie even after doing a lot of work, but in your case, I think it might help you actually understand. Then maybe the empathy part will come forward. The book is called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It addresses a man's POV on his masculinity and what he's all about.

I'd also suggest that you stop focusing on preventing a SA. That might be the one thing you can do to let some of the air out of the tires, so to speak. It will give you both structure to the separation, and you can use the next 6 months to: 1) becoming the person you'd like to be; 2) making your life the one you want; and 3) becoming the wife he needs and wants you to be and nuts to let go.

Use your time wisely. It's your friend.

So... why don't you start by telling us specifically what he told you he hates about you? And then tell us why and what he might see from his POV?

From what you've shared, sounds like you have some work to do to push your pride to the basement and let the love come through.

Remember: do more of what brings you closer and less of what pushes you away. That's the golden rule here. It's going to take some time to work on the resentment and anger. And the first step is to get you to stop keeping score. I promise you're going to lose now if you do this. Besides, score keeping is a really lonely way to live, right?

So tell us more. I'd really like to know why you justified empathy with you being literal and him being sensitive. That's a pretty telling statement...

Good luck, and hang in there!

Betsey