With my kids gone for the summer the atmosphere in the house has been tense. Silent but tense. I've done my best to not be home when he comes home from work. On the first day after the kids left he actually came home before dinner time. He took care of dinner and was very polite. I didn't know how to respond but played it cool. I've been gone for the past two evenings leaving him to himself. I figured we both needed space from each other.
Yesterday I came home after him and proceeded into the bedroom. I locked the bedroom door and he knocked and flipped out about my locking it. It seemed so silly to me that moment why he would choose to be irritated over something so minute. Then I realized that his gym bag was behind the door. Perhaps he thought I wanted to snoop through it. Anyway, he proceeded to talk about his work day and I listened and then he started in on the R. It made me uncomfortable but I listened anyway. Of course, he starts out telling me everything I did wrong and that I'm the reason why we are at the point of D. Yes, I too threatened D one too many times to elicit some kind of response or change in him. I realize how foolish this was and vow to never do it again--but this didn't seem to phase him.
I have made some changes in myself. I realized that I was angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be. Of course, I didn't know that's what I was feeling/doing at the time. It's never my intention to hurt my H but somehow I still do. So I'm flawed but human. I've been more attentive around the house and doing acts of service that I know he would appreciate. This seems to work I think. I mean he hasn't asked me to stop so I figure why fix it if it ain't broke.I listen to his grievances and do my best to understand him. It didn't help matters each time he told me that I never listened or don't listen or don't understand. In my mind that is all I want or am trying to do. After some time a light bulb came on. What he has been trying to get from me is empathy. What can I say...he's a sensitive creature. I'm very literal and to the point.
So towards the end of the convo he was begging me to release him. That he can only be whole again if we go our separate ways and that I broke our marriage by being self righteous and making him feel less of a man. And that because of this our marriage was not a biblical marriage. This hurt me so much. There's this nagging voice that tells me he has other motivations for wanting this D and feels haste to finish it sooner than later. He was calm and did his best to be polite during the convo. However, he went as far as saying that I will be okay financially. That if I canjust find a job that I will be good and not hurting for money. So no harm done, right? And then he had to audacity to admit that he knew what he was asking for is a sin and that he has been asking for forgiveness every day. I'm just as confused as ever. My bro says that men retreat to a dark place when they feel they've had enough but that it takes patience, love, and understanding to pull them out of it. It will be painstaking but it can be done. I don't have a problem fighting for him but how can i do this when im met with rejection, opposition, and hostility? Does he really want me to stay and fight or is he really asking me to let him go?
I replay in the mind the "don't believe anything you hear and believe only half of what you see" but I feel like I don't fit in to that category. He pressures me or tries to talk me into to signing the separation papers at least once a week. I've said OK to the D since I know that I will only be able to delay for so long before I have to sign. However, signing the separation agreement would shorten the waiting period to 6 mos instead of 1 year. I feel like a stranger in my own home. What do i do?
