I really think, IMO, at this point, a restraining order will give you some peace of mind. Not just because of the wall "restraining" him from tormenting you...but, because of the principle of the thing.
He, obviously, still feels he can influence your life...or, at least, he wants to believe he can. I agree with AJ...this is all about CONTROL.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Bea, Restraining orders are good, if the person is willing to abide by them. In some cases, the individual becomes far worse and doesn't care about the restraining order. It all depends upon the "offender" and how far gone they are. It's just my opinion and that is based on what I've seen in my area.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree Job. It's just a piece of paper, right? But while it may be ineffective, it's a step toward keeping him from or minimizing the attempts. It also helps later if you need to show a pattern of abuse.
Will it stop him? Not likely. But it may prove useful if you need to show your efforts later for some other court case. That's really the value of it if you ask me.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Job, I have also wondered this about restraining orders.
The thing is these sanctions work 'better' when they are used against people who are at least slightly in touch with reality.
I honestly think my xh no longer believes that any of the normal rules of life apply to him. He got an exemption.
It is about control, but it is also about rejection. He feels rejected by us all, and part f it is 'teaching us a lesson' I think, a sort of punishment for not being the way he wants us to be.
Bea, I would never suggest you do this...but I often wonder just how much of your xh's crazy behavior would stop if you did the same thing to him, i.e., texting, calling, etc. The situation reminds me of the distant/pursuit games they play. The more you avoid them, the more they come after you.
He is a really irrational, miserable human being.
I do hope that you can enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, you may be right, what he wants is a level of contact that he wants when he wants it. So yes, if I started emailing and calling him a lot he would probably withdraw. Difference is (as you know) is that if he SAID, please could you not call me, I would respect that.
Bottom line is that he would like things to be 'normal' between us, whatever that means. We would hang out together, with OW2, and everyone acts as if none of this had ever happened. Except as my eldest son said - xh does normal for about an hour before the cracks show.
I had a real whinge from him last time we spoke about our lack of a relationship, to which I politely replied that it was his decision to end it.
Bea, I am not teaching you anything here but the other' s might see what " crazy " we are dealing with. My XH also wants my blessing on all his other love affairs. They want friendship !! I told XH that I am not friend with people like him. Mean but true.
Anyway, here we go:
Obsessive Love Disorder Obsessive love disorder is an extreme form of love that transcends into an obsession over time. It is characterized by an unhealthy attachment towards someone and can be triggered off by many factors such as anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability. So what does it mean when someone is obsessively in love?
Love is an emotion that is probably the most talked about, thought about, written about and not to forget, fantasized about thing in the world. While some would describe love as a tender and deep affection, others would associate the feelings with sexual passion and desire.
In the initial phase of a relationship, there is an overwhelming and instant attraction towards one's love interest which slowly moves on to become a tender and beautiful relationship based on companionship and trust. And while this is the expected culmination for all relationships, there are instances when these feelings of love turn into an obsession.
The manic need to possess takes over and overrides the bond of trust and companionship that a couple shares. This condition is referred to as obsessive love disorder. So what is it that breaks the alluring spell of romance and twists it into feelings of fixation and obsession? This disorder has its foundation in the insatiable fixation of wanting to possess the target of their obsession. The emotions that are experienced when in love, like mutual respect, trust, and security, are overtaken by feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and resentment. This then gives way to a painful and all-consuming obsession and preoccupation with an actual or wished-for lover. This insatiable longing either to possess or be possessed by the target of their obsession, and rejection by physical or emotional unavailability of their target can result in the perpetual fixation and compulsion to obtain the person they desire. The unnerving aspect is that a person might not even be in a relationship with the object of their desire or have (recently) separated from them, they might simply have had a stray conversation with them at some point and gotten interested in them, which has then slowly turned into an obsession. This obsession can start out with activities like keeping tabs on the person and then transcend into something far worse like stalking them, emotionally blackmailing them and in the most extreme scenarios, taking to violence towards the person or oneself.
What Causes Obsessive Love Not every jilted lover becomes obsessively involved with their ex. Not every person who is in a relationship with someone gets into a maniacal need to possess them. Then why is it that some people do?
The tendency to fall in an obsessive kind of love can almost always be traced back to one's childhood and early adolescence. Factors like abandonment issues, mental or physical abuse, being neglected, being compared to one's siblings and similar situations which may lead to the feelings of being 'inferior' or unworthy in a child may lead to the emergence of an emotional void in him/her. It is this void that they are trying to fill with the acceptance and love of the other person. It has also been observed that usually it is people with a low self-esteem who develop the tendencies of obsessive love. In case the other person is not a part of their lives anymore, they convince themselves that their return will automatically solve all their problems and make them happy again. They thus, create an illusion for themselves and move farther and farther away from the truth.
Also, the way a person learns to love is conditioned during his/her childhood. For example, a child who is not shown healthy love and affection during his formative years, may go on to have dysfunctional relationships later in life just to gain attention. Psychiatrists also believe that children from alcoholic families may be at a greater risk of developing love disorders and addiction.
Other reasons for why this obsession makes way is that there is a lack of self-confidence in the person. This leads to insecurity, feelings of vulnerability, and a perceived failure in their relationships. That is why they resort to certain tactics of holding on to that person. Interestingly, the exact opposite can also stand true, where a person has an inflated sense of self, is egoistic and has feelings of being special and/or different, so when there is a failed relationship, the person becomes obsessed and wants to possess and control the other. Given to their lack of self-confidence, if there is any form of inequality with the partner, either in the social class or in the level of attractiveness - they might have the need to possess and gain control over the situation thus.
Signs of Obsessive Love There are several signs which indicate an obsessive love addiction. The signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder in love include: Fixation with a person who they believe holds the key to their happiness and fulfillment. The onset of tunnel vision, where the person cannot think about anything else except possessing the other person. This not only affects his thought processes, but his daily activities as well. Onset of neurotic and compulsive behavior like rapid telephone calls to the lover's place of residence or work. Stalking them either physically or through varied social networking mediums in order to keep tabs on them. When in a relationship, displaying certain telltale signs like becoming suspicious of their partner, resenting their relationships with others, accusing them of cheating, and in the most extreme cases, even resorting to violence (which could easily turn to murder) Unfounded accusations of cheating. 'Driveways' around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where he/she said they would be. Physical monitoring of their activities by following them throughout the course of a day to discover their daily activities and whereabouts. Controlling the partner. This includes questioning the commitment to the relationship so as to manipulate him/her into providing more attention. Indulging in obsessive love stalking, rape, murder, and other destructive activities. With deterioration of a love relationship, there may be stress-related disorders like asthma, diabetes, and obesity. Onset of extreme depression that can even turn into suicidal thoughts and give rise to suicidal tendencies. A sudden loss of self-esteem or feelings of guilt and self-hatred. Denial that the relationship has ended. This is usually followed by attempts to win a loved one back by making promises to change. The use of drugs, alcohol, food, or sex to mute the emotional pain. Anger, rage, and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest.
Your XH is punishing you by using the only link he has left. He loves you but is not in love with you???? lol just doesn' t want to lose you. wants to be your friend etc... we know the drill... The saddest part is even if you were to give him what he wants, he would never have enough. he would never be happy because of his inner agony.. guilt.. shame...remorse...
