I guess my kind reading is coming from this. Mind reading being she just wants to be friends. Everything that I have done up to this point about 3 weeks ago anyway, has caused more stress. The snooping, the terrible attitude, the crying, the just bad outlook on everything. Has made me look to pathetic, and to needy. And the only reason we are at least civil today, is that I kind of quit all that stuff.
I understand that she is more comfortable, and willing to at least try to be nice. I am trying to put no expectations on this, but still in the back of my mind I want her back, always going to be there. I feel almost like I am being 2 faced and fake, and that's not what I want or her to see. Trying to fake that it doesn't matter, and that I am ready to just move on. I think in the end that is the goal for me, at least as far as DB goes. Just to be able detach completely is next to impossible, but I know that's the goal.
If I did detach completely, what would it look like? And what if I just lose all the love I once had for her. I know the possibility for that is there, and it's scary to think about right now. Down the road who knows.
I am having a hard time making and sticking to goals. I don't even know where to start from there. If I think of a goal it always involves her in some fashion. My bucket list was good, and I can stick to a lot of those, but still couldn't get the W off of that even. I think I am just ready for a new chapter in life to begin. I'm tired of trying to figure this out, and thinking entirely too much. It's like a dense fog over everything in my life, and it needs to clear. To do that, I have to let go of the rope, and move on.
I think this means nothing more than talk about kids, which she will have a hard time with. She texts random stuff a lot, and I can't just ignore it. Like the Internet problems and mental issues. I feel I have to be there for her or it's over. There was verbal abuse on my part, and I think that makes me feel somewhat responsible for her. Right or wrong it is what it is. That is starting to fade though, past is the past and needs to just stay there. Tomorrow is a different day, the next day a different day. I have always had a hard time learning from mistakes. Now if I can turn that around, every day from now on will be better. And it's already starting. Just venting, and letting go of some pain where possible. Thanks
