Looking for inspiration

[mdu]

Journaling…

On such an emotional roller coaster. The fact that H is showing signs of wanting to reconcile is definitely making things much more emotionally challenging for me. It gets my expectations up and then when things don’t go at the pace I want my anxiety starts getting the better of me and I go into desperation mode wanting to push and pressure things along. Last night I got home and had to hide in my room for a while and just cry, facing up to the reality that this is going to take a LONG time and we may never get back together.

Fortunately, despite my sadness I was able to turn my mood around a bit. I thought about what I enjoy doing with the kids and reading is a good one so we stopped by the library on the way home from work. We had been invited to a drive in movie last night by a neighbor. Maybe I SHOULD have made us go but I just did not feel up to it at all. I am not sure if this particular neighbor even knows H and I are separated and I didn’t feel up to questions. So I decided to go easy on myself and hang at home with the kids. We played Go Fish, which definitely helped my mood. Then got them to bed relatively early and rented The Devil Wears Prada. Funny, light movies are one of the BEST ways to turn my mood around, especially when I don’t feel like I have much mental strength. H texted me and we chatted a bit via text. I went to sleep feeling relatively good.

This morning I got myself up early and got on the treadmill, had an ok run. S suggested we eat breakfast on the deck which was delightful, I need to do that more often. I feel best in the am, getting up early and getting going always sets the day off on the right foot for me. Dropped kids off and then had a little cry in the car. They are with H this weekend and will be with him until Tuesday. It’s going to be a nice weekend, I will miss them very much. H also wants to take them next Wednesday. It’s killing me but of course I know really I should be thankful he is such an engaged Dad, it could be much worse.

Have some good GAL plans today that will hopefully help. Leaving work early and headed to a friend’s house for a happy hour in her gardens. I respect and admire her very much and she’s very wise and calming so this is perfect timing. Tomorrow I will meet with another friend for a walk and dinner out. Other than that I don’t have many plans. I really want to force myself to do some things around the house that I’ve been procrastinating on so trying to leave my weekend a bit open, although this may end up a mistake. I should also visit my Dad.

I have, have, HAVE to force myself not to engage with H at all when I’m in that emotional/desperate place. It’s confusing because sometimes he responds quite well even when I am not emotionally level but I think the bottom line is things are too fragile and it’s not really worth the risk. Learning to manage my emotions better is so KEY, for this and just to help improve my life in general. I have all the knowledge and tools, I just need to implement!! I don’t want to get caught up in a barrage of self help books, classes and counselors. I think I need to get focused and really consistently dedicate myself to a couple of key things that I know will help: 1). Meditation, 2). Running (both of these are to help with anxiety, overall mood management) 3). Anger management. Whenever I am down/don’t know what to do this weekend I am determined to get myself working on these items, as well as all the stuff around the house that I keep letting slide!

Various household things that I know will make me feel good if I get done this weekend: mow the lawn, weed, water the garden, clear out recyclables, take old clothes to good will, stain outside swing, find out how to renew my passport, visit farmers market, food shop, do some baking/meal planning, organize some closets.

So that's my latest plan. Will post my progress through the weekend.