Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[LoisB]

Matt,

I hear a lot of fear. In my experience, when men get scared...they get angry. I could be wrong, but that's what I hear. I hear fear about what's ahead for you and your girls.

She comes from a very bad family background where her dad left her mom, brother and her for OW when my wife was 10 and her brother 7. He left them while they were on vacation 1000 miles from home after his OW said she wanted him to come back. He left her mom, a boat, a camper and the kids and flew back home. When they got home he had moved to another state! He never paid ANY child support, drug the divorce out for ten years so he didn't have to give her ANY money at all. He put his business in his OW's name and all her mom got was the house.My wife had little contact with him growing up and always felt "uncomfortable" around him.

You wrote this in your first post. Expecting this woman, from the background you describe, to act rationally and as a "good mother" is really unrealistic. She is very broken Matt.

I also hear in your posts a man who still loves his wife and wishes she would "snap outta it" for everyone's sake.

If she did, she could save a lot pain for you and your daughters. I can relate to this.

So, how do we rise above their brokenness and become the best people/parents we can in spite of insanity? How do WE reclaim our Power for our children?

Children need stability to thrive. And, WE need to provide this stability since they can't expect it from the other parent right now.

I have a lot of fear about what my H will pull next and how this will impact the beginnings of calm the girls and I have created in our lives. I don't want to live in fear. I can't control what he does or doesn't do.

He has been crazy a long time...so has your wife. I see a similarity in both our situations in that both our spouses gave us ample warning of what was ahead. I dug my head in the sand hoping he would snap outta it. He hasn't. I'm still waiting and I need to stop for my own sake.

The world is an imperfect place. Our children will have to deal with injustice as they move through life. Sadly, we can't protect them from ALL of life's unfairness.

I suggest being the best dad you can right now...I know you are trying. Allow your D to see you rise above the fray. Even if she chooses to move in with your W, she can always change her mind. Allow your D to figure this one out. Children will always gravitate toward the healthier situation.

Your D will be ok, no matter what, if you get yourself OK. And, I think you are. Moving forward is a daunting task...not to be done in a day...it's a process.

At the beginning of most A.A. meetings, there is a prayer said for the "Alcoholic still suffering." That's how I see my H today. He is out there still suffering...he hasn't, can't, won't, refuses to, is unable to "get it"...by "it" I mean what's important in life. Let's pray (for our kids and our spouses) but honor their own process through all of this. My H's way isn't MY way, but it's his to choose.