Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[AJM]

As you're working through this Matt, the danger is that you follow the same pattern she may have into the negative thinking abyss. Remember I told you I could have written a story so similar to yours we could have been confused for twins separated at birth? I suspect I have written those words, in that order at one point or another.

A few comments to help. Perhaps not today, but at some point Matt.

She refused to make any effort in her marriage and now wants to blame me for every ill that has ever befallen her so why would I want her back in my life? If not for the kids I probably would have given up long ago. I'm not sure about that but it feels that way now.

You are aware that may not be true. That self-awareness is a good thing Matt. You'll realize eventually she made her own choices regardless of the influence she chose to accept. She made her choices. She did. Not you. Not her dad. Not her mom. Not anyone else. That's important for later, Matt.

I don't wish her to fail or have a bad life, be unhappy or anything like that. But right now I really don't think I want her in my life or my D's lives.

Wait, she hurts you, blames you, etc and you don't like that??? Gosh, that's hard to understand Matt. The human mind is a funny thing. It follows it's thoughts. And when it's hurt, it tries really hard to protect itself from further harm. We're wired that way. We are by nature selfish, self-preserving beings. Civilization gives us the hope that we can be more than that. But really, when you boil it down, we are what we are right?

Just because you didn't break her, doesn't mean she doesn't view you as a threat. Just because you don't think you're a threat, doesn't mean she doesn't see you that way. See seems to right? If you didn't cause it, it's next to impossible to know what it is. Hence you cannot solve it although it may be that you tried for years. You may get outward glimpses of plausible causes, Matt. But you'll never know what really is the problem beyond her being human.

She is not a very good mother, at least since the MLC started and never bothered to do things with the kids but now insists that she must have 50% custody knowing that she won't be around much. Why? I really believe it's because she feels guilty about what she has done. She doesn't want to be seen as a bad mother. I know it isn't because she has D's best interests at heart because she doesn't care about anyone but herself and her father.

You're closest to the situation Matt. You may be right. But let's take her out of the picture for a moment and think about somebody else.

Your daughters.

I had those exact same thoughts (except it was OM vs. Dad) for my ex. I see signs I was correct. Know what though? When my ex left, she had already left the kids and me at least once. She had questionable parenting judgment for being left around a 10 year old. She may have developed a drinking problem, was sleeping around, staying out to all hours of the night etc.

But imagine for a moment what it would be like for your D's if they have to choose between mom or dad. What would it be like if they don't have a mom who wants them in their life, for any reason? Nutty, crazy, heroine, or whatever she really is, do your D's really deserve to be without their mom? Is she dangerous to them or is it just your emotions and difference of what a "good" parent should be that are driving that? Something to think about. You'll need to know later, trust me.

If she doesn't want anything to do with her kids, you'll know for sure soon enough. Believe me, it won't take long for your D's to voice what they see. They will need to make some choices as well though. They know you love them. They know their mom loves them, but they aren't sure what she is doing or if they like the way she loves them.

Something to think about. There's always more, but I wanted to be sure to challenge some of that thinking early on. It's important for you to challenge and not fall down that same rabbit hole she did. Negative thinking is a tough one to overcome. It's how you end up re-writing your history

AJ