When dealing with affairs, you cannot bring up the affair. You don't talk about it because it simply pushes them away further. You can't make demands about it. You just have to let it run its course.
My husband's affair was EA, then it became PA, then EA again, then PA again (whee! Roller coaster!). The OW is married, her husband is in the dark (he was suspicious, but I guess she convinced him that nothing was going on because she tells H that her husband is okay with them being friends and being alone together).
I do not know what the current status is. I've stopped asking, per the DR rules. About six weeks ago H put a self-imposed moratorium on travel to her city, about which he would occasionally grumble was bad for his job. (Not my problem....Wasn't my request....He did that all by himself.)
That said...what do I do with an H who still wants to be lovey dovey with me? If I withdraw, he gets mad at me for being "cold." If I play along, then I'm allowing cake eating. How do I make myself the gold bar that he realizes he really wants without talking about the relationship?
Our sexual relationship in the past was very active - I don't think we ever turned one another away. To do so now would be incredibly weird. H also continues to plan "dates" for us...He takes me out to dinner far more often now than he used to. He wants to go on a trip together in August (having just gone away with me in February and in May). I don't know if guilt is driving this behavior or if he's trying to keep me from detaching. He knows the affair is making me crazy, and this makes him very angry and depressed.
My biggest issue is clearly detaching. I don't know how to do it without tipping our cards to the two kids, who still think that everything is stable and normal in our house. I could move into a different bedroom, or ask him to leave the house, but I'm not ready to call for separation or divorce. I don't want those things, and the DR book says that this is a Last Resort where you have to be sure you could live with either option.
Thoughts? Is there a way to do this without upending the apple cart for the kids? Or do I just keep settling into this yoga pose and breathing through the discomfort...Waiting out the affair?
He sent me a message from the UK last night a 5:50 asking if I was awake. I probably screwed up when my response was, "Are you meaning to message me?" (In theory, he could have been messaging anyone from work who is on that side of the pond...not just OW.) He responded, "Strange question?" I replied, "For you or for me?" He responded again, "For you." And I said, "Ha! Well, it's 5:50 here, so I thought it was a strange question!" He said he'd forgotten about the time. (sigh)
The worst part is just not trusting him anymore. Good heavens, I would love to get that part of my life back.
