Admittedly I skimmed that. Something stood out though.
"I feel like detachment to me IS withdrawal."
Withdrawal is making yourself unavailable to someone physically or emotionally. Detachment is not allowing someone else's actions to affect you whether you're available to them or not. You can care for someone without letting their actions affect who you are and how you behave.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Admittedly I skimmed that. Something stood out though.
"I feel like detachment to me IS withdrawal."
Withdrawal is making yourself unavailable to someone physically or emotionally. Detachment is not allowing someone else's actions to affect you whether you're available to them or not. You can care for someone without letting their actions affect who you are and how you behave.
that seems impossibly difficult for me to do..
Can I get some advice on how to communicate with spouse when ive moved out.. in terms of when she contacts me?
^^ Not true. You make a conscious choice to detach and one of the several ways to achieve it is GALing. Get busy living! Also getting a grip on your emotions and reactions is the other important step in detachment. It is all on you.
Do you ever read other threads and learn from others experience? You don't really learn much if you just come to your thread and post here. Take a look around other threads for they contain great nuggets of wisdom and insights.
^^ Not true. You make a conscious choice to detach and one of the several ways to achieve it is GALing. Get busy living! Also getting a grip on your emotions and reactions is the other important step in detachment. It is all on you.
Do you ever read other threads and learn from others experience? You don't really learn much if you just come to your thread and post here. Take a look around other threads for they contain great nuggets of wisdom and insights.
if im being honest before she decided to drop the bomb I myself was thinking of leaving her.. doesnt make sense.. we fell apart.
Don't you think she might have sensed that and she's like why do I want to be with somebody who isn't fully committed. I don't know what's going to happen for now, but in the future you need to be all the way in or all the way out. Don't sit on the fence.
Or are you just mad that you didn't get to break up with her first?
Originally Posted By: 1Wish
"The one thing every successful DBer does, is become a better, stronger person."
I just hope I dont hang on to a false hope too long.. when would it be time to let go? When the divorce is finalised right?
First you need to let go of any expectations. Let go of the outcome. You should want to become the best person you can be anyway, whether she comes back or not, whether you find somebody else or not. You're way too worried about the future. Just worry about today. What are you going to do this day?
if im being honest before she decided to drop the bomb I myself was thinking of leaving her.. doesnt make sense.. we fell apart.
Don't you think she might have sensed that and she's like why do I want to be with somebody who isn't fully committed. I don't know what's going to happen for now, but in the future you need to be all the way in or all the way out. Don't sit on the fence.
Or are you just mad that you didn't get to break up with her first?
Originally Posted By: 1Wish
"The one thing every successful DBer does, is become a better, stronger person."
I just hope I dont hang on to a false hope too long.. when would it be time to let go? When the divorce is finalised right?
First you need to let go of any expectations. Let go of the outcome. You should want to become the best person you can be anyway, whether she comes back or not, whether you find somebody else or not. You're way too worried about the future. Just worry about today. What are you going to do this day?
No im not mad.. I was withdrawing due to her shouting and nagging all the time and thought to myself I dont need this.. I loved her and everything but when she asked for a D it all changed n I forgot all the bad..
I love her and want this to work.. and I really dont know whats going to happen.. I feel if I sont maintain contact she will get over me and go.. you know what they say.. out of mind out of sight.. I know they also say distance makes the heart grow fonder.. but thats only for a short while is it not..
You have all the answers throughout your threads, 1Wish. Go back through, reread the advice you've been given and mull it over for a couple of days. Really take in that last post from 25 as well.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
You have all the answers throughout your threads, 1Wish. Go back through, reread the advice you've been given and mull it over for a couple of days. Really take in that last post from 25 as well.
this is the hardest thing to do let go and move out and not contact.. omg I dont know how im going to do it.
Not to be harsh 1Wish, but what you consider nagging from your W maybe was her telling you what she needed from you to make the M work.
It is difficult to realize while still in the middle of a conflict that this is what is happening believe me, It is what happened to me but once I made the decision to look at myself in the mirror I began to own my part of the failed M. It takes two to make it work. Your W is not free from blame but you can't make her see that she must do that on her own.
Your M needed to change before your W decided she was "done". We all know that on here. Most of don't see it till we get or give some space to figure out what is wanted.
Your M can still be saved but as the DR says you have to be prepared to do all the work right now. Its not fair but that is how it is.
Your W may be confused on what to do right now. If you pursue/cling it will justify her walking away from M.
Let your W take her journey. She may decide you are the one but she may not. It is not a competition but use this time away from her to better yourself.
Make yourself into a man that only a fool would leave. If she comes backs your new M will be better because you put the work in.
If she doesn't come back you will have a better chance of making your next R work.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Not to be harsh 1Wish, but what you consider nagging from your W maybe was her telling you what she needed from you to make the M work.
It is difficult to realize while still in the middle of a conflict that this is what is happening believe me, It is what happened to me but once I made the decision to look at myself in the mirror I began to own my part of the failed M. It takes two to make it work. Your W is not free from blame but you can't make her see that she must do that on her own.
Your M needed to change before your W decided she was "done". We all know that on here. Most of don't see it till we get or give some space to figure out what is wanted.
Your M can still be saved but as the DR says you have to be prepared to do all the work right now. Its not fair but that is how it is.
Your W may be confused on what to do right now. If you pursue/cling it will justify her walking away from M.
Let your W take her journey. She may decide you are the one but she may not. It is not a competition but use this time away from her to better yourself.
Make yourself into a man that only a fool would leave. If she comes backs your new M will be better because you put the work in.
If she doesn't come back you will have a better chance of making your next R work.
trust me I know I this.. I rwalised after what her nagging meant.. to be honest I think she may have a pre mid life crisis kinda thing because she says she had to grow up early as she didnt have family.. got married she wants to live her youth.. shes planning a holiday with her mates.. making me angry.. I think she may have an acute case of gigs
