Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Yeah. I hear you. She just wants to sell the place now she's so burnt out.
But today she got a gig modelling for a fashion show - something she used to do as a teenager and always wanted to get back to. Now it's happening in 2 weeks. I was so excited for her. She was excited too. She had a positive vibe when she told me. And when she was feeling positive, she was also complimenting me. Funny how one's own outlook on life flavors one's impression of others.
I'll just keep up with the PMA and patience.

[PeterV2]

We took mum to the airport today. Mum's now gone back to South Africa. Maybe for up to 4 years. W was very emotional. Still is. After we got back from the airport we had a nap together. Then I went to work. Called her just now and she's still very emotional. I offered to come by just to talk. She'll think about it and call me back.
2 days ago she had a session with our MC and yesterday I has a session. She has an anger problem. Apparently I have a selfishness problem. When each of us can clear those up then the space between us can heal faster. Working on that. She needs to get away to clear her head. I can see that. She needs a break. This is going to be a slow process. I'm working on the 7 step program in DR.
One day at a time.

[PeterV2]

She came by the house today to cook some meals for me. She lay down on the couch later and invited me to sit by her. She said she feels bad that she disappointed me. I asked her what she meant by that, if it had to do with what happened (i.e. the A) but she said no. She said she meant that I was disappointed that she hasn't been meeting my needs. Then she let on some errands.
Now I'm wondering if she's planning something such that my needs won't ever get met. Driving myself crazy with mind reading. Got to stop that.
I'll ask her for more clarification when she gets back from her errands.
Time to discuss each of our needs and how we can fulfill them.
She needs to get away - take a break. I agree. But she doesn't want to take a break with me. She wants to go with her D but her D can't really go. Maybe I could suggest someone else.
Last thing I want is for her to meet up with OM while away. She says it's over but has yet to open up her phone to me.

[sandi2]

I asked her what she meant by that, if it had to do with what happened (i.e. the A) but she said no.

She won't discuss the A and doesn't feel remorse, therefore she doesn't seem to connect it with you being disappointed.

She said she meant that I was disappointed that she hasn't been meeting my needs.

Is that true, and why do you think she can tell?

Peter, when she makes statements like that that you don't understand what she means, why don't you just ask her at that moment? She may be more open to explaining further right then, rather than coming back hours later to talk about it. It makes more sense than allowing it to drive you nuts wondering what she meant.

Glad to hear from you. I was going to ask for an update.

[oad]

Hi Sandi2...just wanted to say thanks for your advice!!! Peter good luck in your sitch, we are all in this together!!!

[PeterV2]

Actually we went out shopping together this evening (Home Depot - one of her favourite stores). On the way I ask for clarification on the disappointment question. She said that she felt she's disappointed me by not fulfilling my needs, those needs being to have her back with me. She says I just want my way and I'm persistent. I told her that I know she needs time to rediscover herself and I want to give her the space and time to do that. I'm all for that. And that I'll be fine on my own. I said she needs a break and to get away to clear her head and decompress. She agrees with that. I asked her when she's planning this getaway. She doesn't know. She says she may just go one day and let me know then.
We had a good evening after that. She's still texting me. She always reaches out to kiss me goodbye. I just have to play it cool. And give her space and time. That's what she's asking for. I can oblige.

[Thornton]

Good game plan. No pressure. Just a friendly, confident man, who is supportive but also knows what he wants.

[PeterV2]

I've been thinking. She accused me of always wanting to get my way. Of being persistent to the point of annoyance just to get my way. That "way" being reconciliation.
In a belated response to that I was thinking of telling her "would you prefer that I just give up because you're not worth it and the marriage is not worth saving, or would you rather that I fight to preserve our marriage because you're worth it and you're the most important person in the world to me?"
Does that come across as pursuing?

[unbidden]

Totally. She already knows that and doesn't want to hear more of it. I know it's hard, but try to detach.

[pilot]

^^^^ What he said. Forget about what she is doing completely. Focus completely on yourself and your life. The quicker you purge her from your mind, the quicker you will see results...if there are results to be seen.