Sex was great, part 2

[25yearsmlc]

I don't want to read another word here until you take a break, get some clarity, see your therapist... then I'd like to hear all about it.

K, no responses until my therapist tells me I have or don't have Asperger's, lol.

I will keep hiding my feelings and lying to (a person) each day until I have more to say about me. I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe I shouldn't have come here? Everyone seems to agree on that.

I don't agree. I also doubt very much that you are "hiding" your feelings.

I just think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You SAY that you cannot talk to her and that you brought it up ONCE.

To me, that's not a totally banned topic if you brought it up once and she...did what? Did she shut you down? I missed the part about what she actually TOLD YOU when you brought it up AND I missed the part about how you said it, as in, actual wording.

Also, these days my engine takes a bit longer to get warmed up, but once it is, it runs just fine thanks. My point is that without more foreplay than before, it is harder for me to reach the level of desire my h and I both want me to have. That's a menopausal aspect I ASSUME (I have an appointment next week and will ask that exact question. My bet is she'll prescribe me something to get my hormones back the way they were before. I'm actually hoping she does that.)

I think I can summarize what I see as the basics here, and then I want to ask you something.

First -- Your wife may think her lack of desire is "the new reality" but it MIGHT be do to physical causes, that are so well disguised & integrated in us, b/c of how we think and feel in our heads...that she does not know what she does not know...

AND she has diabetes and had cancer and a hysterectomy. ALL of those affect libido. Your reply will be "but NOT before now!" And I get that. I hear you.

But I'd be amazed if there are no physical dimensions to this. However, If there really are no medical issues, then her feelings have changed -- and that's where YOU do play a role.

So you know, My h was deployed to a dangerous area in the Middle East, about 18 months ago. He was gone for a LONG time. His date or return was uncertain. I had zero physical intimacy and not even face to face contact via Skype conversations...

Plus, after 9-11 (the Cairo and Benghazi & a dozen or ore embassies being assaulted, all our phone calls were monitored. So that pretty much eliminated even intimate talk

So you are not alone in having no intimacy for periods of time. You'll argue that at least I knew my h wanted it, and that's fair.

But it's also fair to say I sure got a lot less than you are getting. I had a free floating angst about his safety, 24/7. I hated hearing the news at night. I did not let the kids watch it when they were around, just in case we'd again hear of " soldiers killed today in an ambush" etc.

I had NO day to day OR nightly companion. I had no co parent and my "bff" husband was not even able to reliably call me very often. Maybe once a week maybe for 10 minutes, at odd crazy hours and without any notice.

Grey, Could you handle it if you had been me? Really?

(Geez, I guess I need to tell you that NO, I did not cheat on him, for the record. For me & everyone I know, cheating on guys in combat - or on pregnant/sick wives, is about as low as it gets. Just inexcusable.)

So IF your wife is having medical problems, and for the sake of THIS discussion, let's say she is...then what? You want out?

B/C after all, you don't KNOW that she'll get better, you don't KNOW that she will want it the same way again, AND THEN WHAT??

See, you have spent so much time imagining and fearing that this is forever, and that you already know you CANNOT live without it, you are preparing for divorce or an affair! It's kind of nutty to me.

Grey, you are borrowing a ton of trouble from tomorrow, negatively projecting, and pretty much harming the present.


Nevertheless I do understand one thing a bit different in your situation from other SSM. That is that your wife was NOT a "Low libido woman" or low sex drive woman before marriage and was fine at the beginning of the m too, right? Was it literally right after the honeymoon?

I mean, once upon a time You DID have a good sex life and she DID enjoy ML and sometimes initiated, until very recently in your r. Is that summary accurate?

So this is new. But that also means STOP rushing into your worst case scenarios. How long has this been going on really? You went from how often to how much less, when? Why do I ask?

I think you don't fit the standard "SSM" scenario, UNLESS and UNTIL SHE SAYS she has low sex drive and THEN, you could try the SSM approaches;...

and

you have had far more good things going on in the m, including a good sex life until quite recently. This isn't YET a big problem (except you keep worrying that 'it will be OR it might be OR what IF it is?? Then what??")

You say you don't only focus on this negative aspect but then you complained that you felt so alone in bed and how hard it was for you that one night (though you also said you have had long standing sleep issues).

Man, get some perspective. Put yourself in the boots of a soldier for 5 minutes (if not the shoes of your w.) We go without, for long periods of time. Honestly, I hear of affairs, but I don't personally know any. So- not cool.

If you want to live in fear and projection, You know, you might get diabetes too...and should she worry about that NOW? OR what if you became paralyzed everywhere that matters sexually, and she could never again have what you two once had?

And can you stop assuming this is a forever problem? For 90 days, can you NOT assume this is forever?


Grey (did you actually name yourself after the "50 Shades" guy? Oh man, that book is so poorly written that our book club made a drinking game out of the cliches strewn throughout...--but I digress)

The main problem I see that you can work on, is that you sound too much like a guy who sees himself as quite noble, & a "great h",

who is not getting his way on what he claims is the main issue, now, but he used to (!!) and therefore he is a victim and he always will be - if he doesn't stomp his feet hard, right NOW.

You seem to demand answers to complex questions, by a certain date...or else...or else what? I mean, sounds as if you already have back up exit plans- and that is creepy to me.

Like I said, in some ways I totally feel for you b/c at times, you do sound like a concerned h. That's when you put aside your physical needs, and express worry about her (which is not often enough, compared to how much you focus on what is missing in your need bucket).

But if you can put yourself in my shoes for 2 minutes -- I had no idea when (or if, to be honest) my h would return from Afghanistan. I didn't know where he was, other than an entire nation but I did know he was a kidnap target...I had no idea if he was "cheating" on me (pretty much not a thing I worried about). I did not know anything about his daily life, or how he felt. OR when he was returning... I was very lonely, frightened at times, stressed as hell, much POORER b/c his pay plunged when he was activated.

And so, you come here VERY concerned, very upset, very worried about the future of your marriage, solely b/c you have had a "lot less" sex, the past few months.

Perspective, please.