Looking for inspiration

[mdu]

Thanks so much Train and Starsky and Wonka and everyone else who is following along and providing such invaluable feedback.

You are right on the money, Train. Whenever H shows interest in reconciling, BOOM! I want it and I want it NOW. It totally sends me spiraling. It's for sure a pattern. At least now you all are finally helping me see it (or maybe it's been pointed out enough times that *I* finally see it).

All I can say is I'm so thankful for this BB and you all to help raise my awareness and put on the brakes. I did not send the letter for discussion I wrote. That's a little success in my book ;-)

I'm sitting tight, trying to calm myself. I'm not sure but I think part of why I might be freaking is I'm anticipating next week to be kind of tough. July 1 is our 9 year anniversary of when H asked me to marry him. July 4 is obviously a holiday and normally we'd be doing something as a family. July 6 is H's bday, another typical family day. I think (no, I know) subconsciously I was hoping (expecting) we would be back together for all of this. It's so hard to get my expectations in check.

Plus, I just can't believe that we have gotten this far. Yes, I have not been a great wife but frack, it's not like he was exactly prince charming (even pre-A).

Ok, so I know what to do, it's ME time and GAL time, BIG time GAL time. I'm on it folks...thanks again!