So last night I went over to her apartment (at her request) to talk about coming up with an agreement about our joint money. She made dinner for us, and before and during dinner everything was ok. I put on my "I'm OK" face and we talked about work, what we had been up, etc. We didn't talk about the relationship and I didn't try to pull up any memories or anything like that (doing my best to follow DR and the rules). Even the discussion about money went ok, which could have turned into a mess, but we came to an agreement that both she and I believe is fair. After our discussion we started some more small talk, and that was when something I hadn't counted on occurred.
I asked her how her parents were doing. Her parents and I have always gotten along well and we all like each other a lot. She responded that they were doing ok, but that this was a lot for them to process since she never really shared with them any of the issues that we had and that they always thought that our marriage was fine. And then I slipped up, and said that it was a lot for me to process to because she never really told me about any of the issues that she had with our marriage. As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't have. I was expecting her to get annoyed and defensive. But to my surprise, she didn't. And although she didn't go so far as to explicitly say it, she seemed to agree with that she hadn't communicated her feelings about the issues she saw in the relationship.
Hearing this, I would have thought that I would have felt validated in my feelings, or relieved to know that all of this wasn't my fault. But I didn't feel any of that. Instead, I felt an emotion I wasn't prepared to feel. I was angry. Soon after, I excused myself to go home so that I could get things together for the next day and go to sleep. I didn't say anything about what I felt. But on the drive home, I just felt more and more angry, and I'm still angry today.
I'm angry that she moved out while I was overseas on business. I'm angry that after eight weeks away from her, during which I missed her so much, that I came home to an empty house and an "I don't love you anymore." I'm angry that she is giving up on our marriage/relationship without a fight, throwing away the last 9.5 years we were together. And mostly, I'm angry that she never gave us a chance. She kept all of her thoughts and feelings about what she thought was wrong with the relationship to herself. How was I supposed to know what I needed to work on, what we needed to work on together, if she didn't tell me? Instead, she let her bad feelings fester, and it killed our relationship and her love for me.
I really, really want to tell her this, but after reading DR and the 37 rules, I know that's probably not a good thing to do. After feeling sad and alone the past week and a half, I wasn't prepared to feel angry. I guess that it's something that will pass with time too.
We've pretty much concluded our discussions about the logistics of the divorce (minus the house and retirement accounts, which will come later and I don't know that I feel comfortable just talking it out between us) and she has completely moved out. I think at this point I just need some space. I need to be away from her for a while, to get my head straight and focus on me for a while. I need to get off my emotional roller coaster.
Sorry if my posts seem a bit rambly, I tend to just go stream of thought when I write. It's just kind of how it comes out, and writing my thoughts out has seemed to help me.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
