Bug and I are both huge aficianados of Al Anon. It literally helped me see my role in my nuclear family. I have a brother who is now a 46 year old heroin junkie, and as long as I kept playing the role I was cast, I was enabling. And the worst part is that I was MISERABLE playing that role. Good for you on seeking out a group. If you don't like the dynamics, continue to shop around for a group that does. It took me 3 tries and I wound up having to drive 30 minutes to go to that meeting. But the people who were part of that group really resonated with me.
I also strongly suggest you read Divorce Remedy. You need to understand that while it might offer relief in one area of your life, it's like a barrel of monkeys... consequences you haven't considered and thought through. I think you *should* read what MWD has to say on the topic before you do anything. Knowledge is power. Make a commitment to yourself that before you do anything big, you do the necessary work to plan through the consequence possibilities.
That being said, I also don't think that you owe it to anyone to stay in a marriage that is fueled by addictions, abuse or neglect. As long as those issues stand on their own and aren't propped up by YOUR actions and words.
Quote:
My husband tells me that my wanting to be needed is co-dependent and he believes that being needed is a bad thing. He says I should be striving for inter-dependence. I guess I need to spend a little more time trying to understand the difference between the two, and my desire to be needed by him.
He's right, BL. The need has to be a healthy type. You might have to do some soul searching to differentiate between being needed and being wanted. There is a huge difference.
And as living proof, I want to point out to you how damn difficult it is to date in your 50s. I can promise you that it's a lot tougher than it was in my 20s and 30s. The good fish in this pool are hard to find.
Have you done any work on understanding why you are so tough on yourself? Bug and I were once in your shoes, and we both had different origins on it, though there is a lot of commonality. Bug, slap me if I'm wrong, but I can speak for myself that the things I spoke as the "truth" were often very far from it. I chose only to see things through my distorted lens. Once I actually saw things from other perspectives, it was nothing short of devastating.
So are you willing to do some hard work on yourself to figure this out?
Good luck- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
