Ap (I really can't bring myself to type out the real word),
I also think you have a valuable perspective to offer here and to get some feedback from the other side of the fence. I, too, was in your shoes and then my H up and walked out on me instead. For the longest time, I was really pissed off that he pulled the trigger first. Either way, once the barn door is open and the animals flee, there's no going back.
First of all, have you actually read Divorce Remedy? I love the 5LL, but I think you need some very targeted conversation on the topic of divorce. You sound like you're in such pain that you're willing to go to the lengths without truly knowing the consequences.
My now XH will be the first person to say (if he were here on this BB) that if he had known what the ramifications were, he'd have tried. He's not one to offer those kind of words, so know he meant them. And I'm a great XW. Any other person would have made him pay for his choices.
That being said...
I'm not sure you even know what you need to do to make yourself happy. I'd suggest holding off on fleeing the barn until you do. I think the folks here would say the same thing. Your H doesn't have the power to make you happy or unhappy: that's an inside job. From what I read, you sure do a lot of finger pointing. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think there is some projection here.
As Bug mentioned, your money comments sound like a score card to me too. Can you elaborate on what your issues are? Try to focus on visualizing what things would look like IF YOU WERE HAPPY. What would you be doing/saying/thinking? I don't want to see one comment about what your H would be doing - this is all about you.
I'm also curious to hear more about what you discuss with your IC - not the nitty gritty, but the overall reason you've gone. Is it to justify yourself or to really and truly do the work?
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
