Help Please: Chapter 2

[Maybell]

Ok, I got out a pen & paper and organized my thoughts.

Do I need for him to attend certain kinds of events with me just because we're married? No, not since that episode. In fact quite a lot of my life has been conducted solo because of his travel schedule. He hasn't attended a wedding or funeral with me in seven years -- and he was in that wedding, which was my brother's. We've made four interstate moves in the last thirteen years and in each state I've established a life for myself doing things that matter to me independently of him. Sometimes he participates but generally he does not.

My love language, however, is quality time, and not that much of our time together is very good quality. I struggle to find things we can both enjoy together so even though he would sometimes do things for me because I asked him to, it was always fairly clear that he wasn't enjoying it. But he could never suggest a way we could spend time together that didn't involve a screen. I have become a person who hates screen time.

Is it wrong for me to wish he would sometimes offer or suggest things I enjoy just as a show of affection? Not expecting him to mind read or do it often. But suggesting something other than watching HIS favorite shows as together time would go a long way with me. Him sitting on the couch next to me while he plays xbox, rather than in an armchair across the room, would matter to me. But he wouldn't. Even if I asked. I will freely admit that there is a lot of resentment built up on my side because I feel so unimportant to him. He said in MC that he was aware of how frustrated I was and just that knowledge made it seem impossible for him to ever do anything about it. So then he got frustrated too.

I know he wants me to be happy. But when I wanted to do things it was always, "great, I want you to be happy. Go do it." And I very often had the sense he felt like he had done enough if he had done that much, even if I sometimes wanted him to be a part of it. Just going along was all he could bring himself to do. It was lonely.

I did hesitate to put in the if only he would change part because I knew I'd be called out (nicely) for it. I know there is a lot I've done wrong and I am still very willing to examine my own expectations for anything I should adjust. But it is also very true that there are things about living with him that I absolutely can not go back to. As little as I want this separation, and as much as I want to repair the relationship, now that the cork has been popped on breaking up, I will not accept a marriage as lonely as ours has been. Even if it costs me a divorce.

I'm also not sure about dropping the reins with him. Part of our financial difficulty was that he was responsible for taking care of our finances. I assumed he was watching the budget too. But when I went to look it over it turned out he hadn't been and we were running ourselves seriously into the ground. I lost a lot of respect for him when I discovered that. He can run international companies but not our household. I told him I felt like we'd lost our closeness and he said "we're fine" and a year later started an affair while I was moving our household cross country again. How can I give up the role of Chief Decider when these are the results?

I do love my H. I would prefer we could mend our relationship so that we have a wonderful marriage. We're complementary and at our best make a good team. But neither of us has been in our best in a really long time.

Detaching: yeah, easy to do when he's abroad. I'm worried about coping with all the inputs of having him in town for a few weeks. Probably borrowing trouble. I'll know in a few days just how detached I really am.

As far as the boundaries...well, he asked me to do a lot to help him get settled in his new place, including accepting delivery of his new couch. I told him no, because if he wanted to be separated then we needed to be really separated. I also told him I didn't want to be his friend while he was still in contact with OW. I like him, and he seems to want to draw a little closer, and it's hard for me to know how close to let him get without bending on the OW line or letting him slip into thinking of me as a resource (he really doesn't have much of a social network in town). I don't know how to be just friendly enough for him to find me attractive and not so friendly that we slide over that line into me behaving like a wife again. I don't know if he still contacts her or not.

Have I written enough for today? Thank you, Obi-Wan.