Your sitch is moving forward in a bumpy way which is what reconciliation is all about from what I've read around here.
I'm with Starsky about the email/letter you're wanting to send to H. The sense I get is that you are feeling really deep anxiety and you want to seek answers now so you'll feel reassured. What you are not allowing here is to give H space to distill and process the discussion you all had with the DB Coach. Give him time and space to to this.
Talk through your anxiety. It doesn't need to be solved RIGHT NOW. All of this will take time and come in dribbles. Give and take. Right?
So, I call him last night and ALL THREE of my weaknesses got the better me: expectations, impatience and anger.
It is your thought processes that is filled with anxiety that all of that is manifested outwardly as anger, impatience, and fearful. You need to work on getting your self centered and calm when talking with H about your marriage, your desires, and looking at solutions together. Perhaps count to 10 before responding to H? Whatever technique works for you.
Obviously I realize that harping on him isn’t the way to get him to open up but to be fair, this was a BIG issue in our M and raises a lot of fear in me with the prospect of reconciling. H is a ginormous avoider and rug sweeper. I told him I’m so afraid that he’s not going to change that behavior and next thing you know, I’m shocked to discover that he’s absolutely miserable and having another A.
This is a good insight on your part. Harping is not a fun trait in a spouse. Makes you sound like a fish wife screaming into his ear. Not attractive or calming at all. Change that pattern within you and you'll be surprised with the result. You would want your H to feel safe to talk with you without getting jumped at every turn.
Work on this pattern, sweetie. Perhaps with your own IC.
Then we talked a bit about some discussion he had with coach about coming home. He actually does NOT feel ready to come home now. He wants to work on the M but he’s afraid to come home and then things that were not good about the M will upset him again and he’ll want to leave.
Yep. Many WASes don't want to go back to the same ol, same ol M. You do now see why it is vital for DBers to show consistent changes that shows the WAS that things can be much better. To make this happen, you'd need to bite your tongue more often and sit quietly to allow H to talk with you.
I must admit, it scares me that he is not really begging to come home.
Why would he be begging if he has those fears about things not changing from your end? He's still on the fence because he's NOT SEEING ANY consistent changes from you. The same old patterns of yours still crop up. Change them and he'll be more receptive to coming home. Yeah, we all know that he needs to take care of his side of the street. That's not the point. The focus should be on what YOU can CONTROL...yourself and your mouth.
In his own way, H is indeed trying to work on the M...however, you MUST accept the fact that he's feeling gun shy. And rightfully so.
So focus on the good parts.
-H wants to work on the M -H spoke with a DB Coach with you -H has revealed some of his concerns -H has not run away from the discussions which seem to be a good step forward for him
Now work on your anxiety and controlling your mouth which means you must take charge of your thoughts. Thoughts-reaction-words.
