New here - frozen in should I stay or should I go?

[labug]

I apologize if this is the wrong board. I'm really looking for insight, or maybe just looking to get all my thoughts out to help me process my thoughts and begin to take action one way or another. I understand from reading the boards on and off for the past year and a half that most here are not the initiators of divorce and that I may get some negative feedback. I'm okay with that. I really just need help getting unstuck.

I have been married over 20 years. We have three children between the ages of 7 and 12. Two years ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He asked me to give us a chance to see if we could make it better. I told him I was done trying, felt as though I had tried enough and had nothing left to give. He said he understood and was willing to be the one to put in the effort to see if it would change my mind. In the few years leading up to this point, at different times, I told him how I felt, asked for counseling, etc. He belittled me, took me for granted, let me do the majority of work at home (cleaning, bills (including the $ for it), kids schedules/needs, shot down any attempt I had to improve our home. He didn't participate in any decision making other than to tell me what I was doing wrong.

So, since I told him I was done, he is constantly under foot. Doesn't ever say no to anything I want to do (as I pay for the majority of things anyway). And basically can't seem to do enough to please me (or what he thinks will please me). He can't make a decision without asking me. I told him to get a friend, a hobby, anything to give me space (GAL anyone?), and he hasn't. We tried marriage counseling and have both seen individual counselors. I still don't want to be married to him, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm afraid my love has died, and it isn't coming back. I tried sitting back and seeing how I felt with his changes. I tried faking it until I could make. Now, I just don't want to be around him, but it all seems so selfish.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt my children. I don't know what the heck to do. I feel as though I'm frozen in a place no one would chose to be. If I could just choose one way or the other, everyone would be better off. I feel, for me, the answer is divorce. What stops me is how it might affect him and our children. Maybe everyone would be better off. Why can't I just make a decision and take action?

I'm sorry to ramble. How do I know what I should do? I'm just so tired of trying to figure it out and still not knowing.

Very interesting post and I can tell your dilemma is weighing on you.

Have you and your H ever been S(eparated)?

Has your H really changed? And if so, is it the change you hoped for? Do the 2 of you talk about these issues?

You pay for most things (you mentioned money a couple of times), what does that mean? Does he work? Seems there's some resentment about something there.

THere is an "I'm thinking about leaving thread" but it gets almost no traffic. You'll get more response here but remember, most people here are here because someone got off that fence you're still sitting on.

Yours is a good perspective to have here.