Looking for inspiration

[mdu]

Ok, so thinking and reflecting more on the convo with H last night. I keep thinking there were some nuggets in there that we need to explore further. So I was thinking of sending H this note. Let me know what you all think:

"H,
It would be very helpful to me if we could make a plan to have further discussion around some of the items you mentioned last night. I thought I would send you a note so you can have a sense for what I’d like to delve into further:
• It would be very beneficial if you could give me some feedback on how I handled the conversation. I know I was angry initially, which I am working to manage better. Sometimes I say hurtful things, and while I know it might be hard to understand, I am not always entirely aware that I have hurt you so much with my words. If there is something I said that was hurtful to you it would be helpful if you could tell me specifically so I can work on becoming more aware and not doing it again.
• You mentioned that when we initially tried to reconcile you had a hard time being at home because of triggers that made you worry that we would never be able to work things out. Can you give me more specifics on these triggers? Was it mostly my anger? Something else? Any more info you can provide will help me figure out what, if anything, I can be working on on my end to help things.
• You also mentioned that when we initially tried to reconcile you felt too much pressure. Can you give me more specifics on what this means? It’s not clear to me what pressure looks like to you.
It would be very helpful to me if we could set a time that we could discuss these items. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
Love, MDU

[mdu]

P.S. my primary motivation for the above note is to get some feedback to help me become the best ME I can be. However, additionally, I think it will be important to see how H reacts. As I've mentioned, he has a long history of shutting down (not with just me, he's had issues with it in other relationships as well as work). He himself acknowledges this is an issue he needs to work on. I've actually asked him some of the above questions before (even pre-A), and he would never answer. I will definitely be looking for changes in him that will help me feel confident that we can work this out, especially better communication. Being able to discuss the above would certainly be a positive step in the right direction. I think (hope) I'm positioning it in a very non-threatening way.

[Starsky309]

If it were me (and I admit I have a hard time trying to put myself in a skittish, wayward or recently-wayward mindset) I would probably feel SMOTHERED if you sent me something like that.

I think it's all too much, too soon, and I would feel like you were psycho-analyzing me and all of our interactions.


Starsky

[Wonka]

MDU,

Your sitch is moving forward in a bumpy way which is what reconciliation is all about from what I've read around here.

I'm with Starsky about the email/letter you're wanting to send to H. The sense I get is that you are feeling really deep anxiety and you want to seek answers now so you'll feel reassured. What you are not allowing here is to give H space to distill and process the discussion you all had with the DB Coach. Give him time and space to to this.

Talk through your anxiety. It doesn't need to be solved RIGHT NOW. All of this will take time and come in dribbles. Give and take. Right?

So, I call him last night and ALL THREE of my weaknesses got the better me: expectations, impatience and anger.

It is your thought processes that is filled with anxiety that all of that is manifested outwardly as anger, impatience, and fearful. You need to work on getting your self centered and calm when talking with H about your marriage, your desires, and looking at solutions together. Perhaps count to 10 before responding to H? Whatever technique works for you.

Obviously I realize that harping on him isn’t the way to get him to open up but to be fair, this was a BIG issue in our M and raises a lot of fear in me with the prospect of reconciling. H is a ginormous avoider and rug sweeper. I told him I’m so afraid that he’s not going to change that behavior and next thing you know, I’m shocked to discover that he’s absolutely miserable and having another A.

This is a good insight on your part. Harping is not a fun trait in a spouse. Makes you sound like a fish wife screaming into his ear. Not attractive or calming at all. Change that pattern within you and you'll be surprised with the result. You would want your H to feel safe to talk with you without getting jumped at every turn.

Work on this pattern, sweetie. Perhaps with your own IC.

Then we talked a bit about some discussion he had with coach about coming home. He actually does NOT feel ready to come home now. He wants to work on the M but he’s afraid to come home and then things that were not good about the M will upset him again and he’ll want to leave.

Yep. Many WASes don't want to go back to the same ol, same ol M. You do now see why it is vital for DBers to show consistent changes that shows the WAS that things can be much better. To make this happen, you'd need to bite your tongue more often and sit quietly to allow H to talk with you.

I must admit, it scares me that he is not really begging to come home.

Why would he be begging if he has those fears about things not changing from your end? He's still on the fence because he's NOT SEEING ANY consistent changes from you. The same old patterns of yours still crop up. Change them and he'll be more receptive to coming home. Yeah, we all know that he needs to take care of his side of the street. That's not the point. The focus should be on what YOU can CONTROL...yourself and your mouth.

In his own way, H is indeed trying to work on the M...however, you MUST accept the fact that he's feeling gun shy. And rightfully so.

So focus on the good parts.

-H wants to work on the M
-H spoke with a DB Coach with you
-H has revealed some of his concerns
-H has not run away from the discussions which seem to be a good step forward for him

Now work on your anxiety and controlling your mouth which means you must take charge of your thoughts. Thoughts-reaction-words.

I am calm. I react calmly. I speak calmly.

See?

[mdu]

Interesting, thanks Starsky.

I will definitely sit on it for a while.

[mdu]

Thanks Wonka, all makes sense.

[mdu]

I should add, this is all very representative of the dynamic between H and I. That I have always been the driver. To sit back and wait for H to initiate some of these discussions is not only extraordinarily difficult for me, I also wonder if it's realistic to expect him to suddenly be the driver when he never has been, and I've never put out there the expectation that this needs to change. And he's never asked me to change this.

I mentioned before that I don't mind being the driver in our R. H has yet to say that he minds it, although perhaps he does. Perhaps that's what he meant when he said he felt 'pressured' when we tried to reconcile initially. But how will I ever know if I don't directly ask some of these questions?

This is definitely a toughie for me. While I get that I need to make changes, there are others that are the core of who I am. Being a driver is one of them, I am that way at home, at work. I'm a driver and I'm a problem solver, I want to get in there and get it figured out and dealt with. It certainly seems appropriate to change behaviors that are clearly Unhealthy (e.g., anger management). But I don't think I should fundamentally change ME, it would never last, if that makes sense..

[Train]

I'm only on this side of a computer, and *I'm* feeling the anxiety when I read what you've posted today, mdu. I can't explain it, but I FEEL - through just your words - your mind racing a million miles a minute.

Slow down. Breathe. Let things simmer a while.

Picture this: you're fishing. You feel nibbles on the end of your line. You yank your rod, sure you had caught the big one. But the fish had never bitten down on the worm. He was just getting a taste - and was ABOUT to bite down - when you yanked the worm right out of his mouth.

This, IMO, is what you're doing. Your H is nibbling, and you yank the line. You start scurrying and spiraling and freaking out - and pushing - as soon as he shows you a glimmer of hope.

But back to the fishing analogy, chances are the fish is still down there, swimming, looking around for the worm that was just yanked away from him. But you're gonna have to wait even LONGER once you drop the worm this time. Why? Because the fish is on to you now. He's a little suspicious. He's going to look a little closer to make sure the worm's pattern of behavior is different this time. After all, why bite if the worm is going to be yanked away again?

Why would your H want back into the same M? With the same patterns of behavior that played a part in driving it into a hole? He's watching and waiting. Take cues from HIM.

And IMO, I feel it is going to be *necessary* for you to let your H drive this reconciliation, mdu. If YOU could drive it, it would have been done a long time ago.

He's looking for consistent actions from you, like you're looking for them from him. Your "work" is in/on YOURSELF right now: Getting your reactions under control. Getting your expectations in check.

He's nibbling, sister. You just can't yank until you have him on the line.

Fishing takes great patience.

[Starsky309]

I'm only on this side of a computer, and *I'm* feeling the anxiety when I read what you've posted today, mdu. I can't explain it, but I FEEL - through just your words - your mind racing a million miles a minute.

Slow down. Breathe. Let things simmer a while.

Picture this: you're fishing. You feel nibbles on the end of your line. You yank your rod, sure you had caught the big one. But the fish had never bitten down on the worm. He was just getting a taste - and was ABOUT to bite down - when you yanked the worm right out of his mouth.

This, IMO, is what you're doing. Your H is nibbling, and you yank the line. You start scurrying and spiraling and freaking out - and pushing - as soon as he shows you a glimmer of hope.

But back to the fishing analogy, chances are the fish is still down there, swimming, looking around for the worm that was just yanked away from him. But you're gonna have to wait even LONGER once you drop the worm this time. Why? Because the fish is on to you now. He's a little suspicious. He's going to look a little closer to make sure the worm's pattern of behavior is different this time. After all, why bite if the worm is going to be yanked away again?

Why would your H want back into the same M? With the same patterns of behavior that played a part in driving it into a hole? He's watching and waiting. Take cues from HIM.

And IMO, I feel it is going to be *necessary* for you to let your H drive this reconciliation, mdu. If YOU could drive it, it would have been done a long time ago.

He's looking for consistent actions from you, like you're looking for them from him. Your "work" is in/on YOURSELF right now: Getting your reactions under control. Getting your expectations in check.

He's nibbling, sister. You just can't yank until you have him on the line.

Fishing takes great patience.

Starsky

[mdu]

Thanks so much Train and Starsky and Wonka and everyone else who is following along and providing such invaluable feedback.

You are right on the money, Train. Whenever H shows interest in reconciling, BOOM! I want it and I want it NOW. It totally sends me spiraling. It's for sure a pattern. At least now you all are finally helping me see it (or maybe it's been pointed out enough times that *I* finally see it).

All I can say is I'm so thankful for this BB and you all to help raise my awareness and put on the brakes. I did not send the letter for discussion I wrote. That's a little success in my book ;-)

I'm sitting tight, trying to calm myself. I'm not sure but I think part of why I might be freaking is I'm anticipating next week to be kind of tough. July 1 is our 9 year anniversary of when H asked me to marry him. July 4 is obviously a holiday and normally we'd be doing something as a family. July 6 is H's bday, another typical family day. I think (no, I know) subconsciously I was hoping (expecting) we would be back together for all of this. It's so hard to get my expectations in check.

Plus, I just can't believe that we have gotten this far. Yes, I have not been a great wife but frack, it's not like he was exactly prince charming (even pre-A).

Ok, so I know what to do, it's ME time and GAL time, BIG time GAL time. I'm on it folks...thanks again!