New here

[booklvr]

Cadet,

I checked in real quick before I went to bed last night, and I must tell you, all I could think about all night was "enabling." Questioning over and over which of my behaviors were/are enabling. Neither of us has ever been to AA. I grew up with an alcoholic dad, so I've read some of the literature, especially about adult children of alcoholics.

Couple of thoughts I had throughout the night:
* I've never spoken to him about his drinking, is that enabling?
* He isn't one to take much advice from me, or "put up" with me telling him what he should do. He reminds me time and time again that I am not his mother and doesn't need me taking care of him.
* Also, I suppose I made it easy for him, having to spend much of the last few years "on the couch." I guess... at least he was here with me. It isn't easy for him to be a witness to my daily struggles and pain.
* I've never brought his drinking up to my IC since I am there trying to recover from the grief brought on by my illness, and how to come to terms with the "new" me.

I'm not sure how to begin to address this with him; what changes should be made. How does one do this? I know that asking, pleading, crying, complaining won't work... been there with my dad. He only stopped drinking when he was ready.

As for my husbands thoughts on divorce. He is really proud of the fact that we've had one of the longest marriages in either of our families. For him our 30th anniversary next month is a pride thing (if that makes sense). He would never ask for a divorce, but if I approached him with it, he would not stop it from happening. He will not come after me, he will not ask me to stay. He is very pragmatic and prides himself on his ability to not show emotion. He tells me he does not 'need' me, that the reason he is still around is because he wants to be. I guess that's good. And, he would have a serious problem with me being on this forum, sharing our private lives with strangers; pride is very important to him and he probably believes talking about these things would make him look bad. I decided to come anyway, because I need someone to talk to about this, and the anonymity helps.