3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
"You need to start being MM, just MM. Be the person who YOU want to be. Don't automatically think about how what you are doing will make him feel or how he will react. It will take an effort at first as you are used to thinking of yourself as part of a unit but you MUST start doing this if you want to get past the hurt and become the woman you are meant to be!"
Ok, so today I called and spoke with MIL for a long time. Later in the evening a friend told me of a program that could come help cook, clean, bathe, etc. I asked my friends opinion of when I should tell him about this & she said to not overthink it (treat it like I would a neighbour with helpful information) & I called him on my way home. (trying to not automatically think of what he would think/feel/react of my call).
I called, no answer. He called back, shortly. He was not too receptive of my call. Did not like the idea and told me how his aunt will come help out & he will hire the female friend (does outside & household work for us/his mom) if needed, she is the one that has that investment house for sale he wants me to consider. He wanted off the phone as he said he was trying to still get a lot of things done, so I didn't press on (like I normally would have... dog with a bone 180)
1) Trying not to take it personally that he isn't asking for or requiring my help 2) I did my best, offering what I knew & thought could be of help 3) Not assuming that he doesn't want me involved, prefers I keep focused on the business
This is tough stuff... trying to get past the hurt and BE the woman I want to be.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, I'm glad you spoke to your XSO's friend. At least she knows that you care and feels comfortable in talking w/you for a bit. It was nice of you to offer a suggestion to your XSO about the program that would help out w/his mother. What he does w/the info is on him and now you need to let it go.
We have pointed this out to you, Matt especially, in the last few days, that you are no longer a part of that family unit. You are a business partner and possibly looked upon as a friend. Your XSO is handling things his way w/his mother and unfortunately doesn't sound too receptive to advice or suggestions. Try not to take it personally.
Magic, you have to put the "family unit" out of your mind. You are separated from this family, have lived on your own for almost a year and now it's evident more so, that your XSO does not want you involved in his family unit at this time. I'm sorry, to be blunt, but you've got to see the handwriting on the wall...he only sees you as someone who works in the business.
You've got to let it go and treat him as someone you do business with, such as the mailman or a grocery store clerk for now. You are still "expecting" him to react a certain way and when he doesn't, you become disappointed and hurt. If he needs your help or advice, he'll come to you. For now, leave things be w/him. If you want to continue to stay in contact w/his mother, by all means do so...but w/no expectations of getting a reaction out of him.
Wisdom from Job (as usual). Magic, one thing you need to remember is that detaching and DBing doesn't mean you can't be kind or thoughtful. However , you must not attach any expectation/hopes/dreams to those actions.
Please for your sanity and the fact that we go around 1 time on this planet (at least in this format), stop wondering what xbf thinks of what you say and do. You will literally give yourself a headache. He will think what he thinks.
You have a wonderful daughter and it sounds like you have many friends. Enjoy time with them. You don't have to answer this but right now, what is so great about xbf? Not what was-right now. Think about that.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
one small edit Job: "...handling things his way w/his mother and <snip> doesn't sound too receptive..."
I removed "unfortunately"
from everyone else's perspective it should be neutral. neither unfortunate or fortunate. its his decision as a 50 year old man taking care of his own mother. its good practice to not label it either way, as this removes the urge to try to control him and change his mind.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken, I agree w/you on removing the "unfortunately".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As mentioned, I did #1, #2, & #3 from my earlier post. After I offered my information, I left it alone.
I am not 100% certain that he wants me removed from his family, as he did invite me to that upcoming family function & is keeping me quite informed of his very personal/private real estate transaction. Information/details that I believe he would only tell me & his close family members. There is still trust. Calling me to bounce ideas off me & to inform me.
As for his mom, I feel he is doing what he thinks is best for his mom and our situation. Having his aunt come (moms sister) to care for her, and not removing me from my job... as we need to sell sell sell so that he can buy the location & or we need to move our location & quick! (there is a time limit). If we do not buy this property, we will be scrambling last minute to find a storage property for our inventory (expensive). Therefore, he wants my efforts to remain with the business. He feels his aunt will be sufficient for the job of his mom. <<<<< This is what I believe. No feelings attached coming from his well thought out logistics.
As pointed out earlier.. he is 100% focused on this real estate transaction & not much more room for anything else, especially a R with me or anyone. Add in the now added stress of home care for his mom. <<<< this is the very thing he was soooo worried would happen. That he would be a 50+ year old man living/caring for his aging mom. He was so desperate to get out of that house & enjoy a life before having to care for her.
As you ALL say... DB'ing & detaching doesn't mean I can't be kind or thoughtful. I just have to not attach expectations to those actions. I have been looking online for ways to "let go without expectations".... one of the common comments are to live in the moment & to go more with the flow, etc. <<< I am working on this. And again, realizing my full value. <<<<< I seem to let this slide to accommodate the situation (NOT GOOD)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
went to old house to pick up keys, he was at hospital for surgery & told me to go there. I saw our BBQ sitting outside. This is normal for most of you...but not us. I was the BBQ'er. Last summer the BBQ stayed inside the garage all summer. Its too much bother for him to BBQ.
The day that we discussed exclusive dating & hanging out... it was mentioned by him about casually wanting me to be hanging out by the poolside this summer... I then offered that if he got some propane, that I would make a meal (as he hasn't eaten a decent meal in a while)... He wasn't too sure about the idea, as it meant dragging it out & cleaning it up. I didnt insist, He said he would let me know...THAT WAS THEN, 2-3 weeks ago convo. Never mentioning or thinking of it again.
I just find it odd that its outside now.
I will try not to read anything into it.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
