Thank you Cadet and Ben2010 for responding. I posted a second message before your posts, but it hasn't shown up yet, so it might be confusing.
I have heard that love is a choice, but I guess I don't know how. Right now, all I know is that anytime I'm around him I physically respond in a negative way. I guess like a stress reaction? It feels almost suffocating, like his every move is based on me... I'm not sure really how to describe it. And I know I've built up walls to protect myself from what I believe is him time and again over the years showing me by his actions that I didn't matter...not sure I can or want to open myself up to him again.
Yes, I do realise this is a marriage saving site :-) Logically, it makes perfect sense to me that everyone would be better off with an intact family. Financially, logistically... But are there no exeptions to this? What if I'm not able to get to a place of at least comfort in my own home when H is around?
I have not read DB/DR books, I thought they were more for the LBS. I have often wished, based on what I've seen here, that H would do alot of the things people talk about (at least GAL, some interest other than me). It's very tiring to have someone so dependent on me constantly.
I have hoped that time would turn things around, that his changes would help me feel good about us staying together and not being a poor model of adult relationships for our children. I am not finding that so far.
