Don't mean to intrude in dawgy's thread, but Ben2010, what's your thread titled? I looked & could find it.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I messed up alot this morning . Nothing huge i dont think but i tried to cuddle early this morning , and she wasnt very receptive . She was cold and callous this morning. She was drinking abit last nite and i find when she drinks the night before seems more distant the next morning especially . I felt so vulnerable this morning i hugged her and told her i loved her . She just mumbled back something . She seemed really disgusted with me this morn . If things wernt going well in her affair would she blame me and be meaner and more distant to me .That may explain why shes like that every few days . Then days in betweeen she s much nicer and like her old self . The drinking could be depressing her also the next day I suppose . Shes got us in a real pickle . She drinks to feel good at night and sleep but then the next day shes really down . I told her a while back that she thinks shes unhappy now , just imagine how unhappy she would be if she left and caused so much damage. At least while shes here theres no damage except to me which i believe we can work out . I have nt seen any evidence of her leaving yet and theres only a few days left in the month . Who knows . I give her space every evening and we work all day so she does nt see me all that much . A month ago we were in a lot better shape even though the situation was the same. I wonder why ? Someone please chime in , im hurting this morning .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
"Nothing huge i don't think but i tried to cuddle early this morning , and she wasnt very receptive . She was cold and callous this morning."
Of COURSE she wasn't receptive!!!!! Don't do this stuff. Get up,, get out of bed... if you want to do something nice with no expectations, leave a cup of coffee or juice and some toast by her side of the bed. Then say nothing. She can really only say "thanks" to that, or say nothing. The point is, the cuddling was about what YOU wanted.
Sorry to be blunt, but right now what YOU want is low on her list of priorities. All you probably did was piss her off.
You've got to remember, she's going through something and right now you CAN NOT treat her like the woman you knew in the relationship you had.
"She was drinking abit last nite and i find when she drinks the night before seems more distant the next morning especially ".
Maybe so. Even better reason to leave her alone and STFU
"I felt so vulnerable this morning i hugged her and told her i loved her . She just mumbled back something ".
What does DB say about saying "I Love You"???? Don't say it! It just makes them feel guilty, uncomfortable, all the things they already feel about about you. Your goal is to have her feel good and comfortable around you.
This approach is not working and will not work for you right now.
"She seemed really disgusted with me this morn ".
I'll be she was. She's told you how she feels and you are being clingy and needy. Not sexy in a man, and definitely not an attraction to a woman who thinks she wants out of the R.
"If things wernt going well in her affair would she blame me and be meaner and more distant to me .That may explain why shes like that every few days ".
This is total mind-reading. You have no idea how things are going in her A or how she would treat you based on that. She may be like "that" every few days because of something you know nothing about.
"Then days in betweeen she s much nicer and like her old self . The drinking could be depressing her also the next day I suppose "
Again, you really just don't know. It's a waste of time to think this way and it will send you off in the wrong direction with your DBing techniques.
"Shes got us in a real pickle . She drinks to feel good at night and sleep but then the next day she's really down "
Well, maybe so. What difference does it make as far as what YOU need to do? It's not your job to figure out her ups and downs, and what role drinking plays. She's a big girl, let her figure out if this is working for her.
"I told her a while back that she thinks she's unhappy now , just imagine how unhappy she would be if she left and caused so much damage."
This is guilt-tripping her and is counter to DBing. Who wants to be around someone who makes them feel guilty? (Especially because on some level, she's got to know she's not treating you right.)
" I havent seen any evidence of her leaving yet and theres only a few days left in the month "
Keep this up and I bet you will soon. Sorry Dawgy, but it's true.
"I'm hurting this morning"
I don't want to say "good", but let that pain be a reminder to you to do better next time and do not keep doing any of this stuff!
Really, this morning was a trifecta of DBing "What NOT To Dos", Dawgy.
You're coming off needy and weak. You need to project, and embrace, a stronger persona.
If you must show your love for her, don't do it with words, don't do it because it meets YOUR needs.
Show your love in ways that won't drive her away or piss her off. Ways which are altruistic, require no reciprocation, or thanks. But keep it real---and small. You shouldn't be out there detailing her car, for example. AND NOTHING ROMANTIC!!! No cards, candles....gifts in general.
The coffee thing is a good one. I'd like a good hot cup of joe from just about anybody in the morning and it would make ME think: '"Gee, that was sweet".
2X4 Time! No more of this ^^^^ OK?
Off to feed the goats...
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Yeah GoatGal your right , 2x4 time . lol Its just so hard to keep up the DBing and the pain is so great that when it looks a little brighter I cant help myself from backsliding . Im miss her soooo much , the ache in my heart is beyond desciption . How do i fight this feeling every few days when it comes on . Im so deeply in love with her and always have been . I need some way to stop myself from screwing up every , what seems like every 3 days . She for the most part has been helping me through the rough days with just being pleasant and giving me hope . Days like today there feels like no hope .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Dawgy, detaching is hard, like any good marathon, you get 1 hour in and you're thinking "f--k am I there yet?" Please go back and read this thread, you have great advice and I think it will help you greatly. I'd high recommend that next time if you feel emotional and have the urge to kiss/grab/touch your wife that you go for a 20 minute walk outside.
You can not "win" your wife back. Not this month, not this week. You can change you, not her. There is no time limit for her to change and she may never.
Let her miss you. Give her space. Please do this.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Ok back to the drawing board . Shes giving me alot of mixed signals and its hard to know how to behave . The days when shes mean , she is mean and withdrawn . Then the next day shes nice and polite , its a real head trip . But im trying . The OM is always in my head and I try to block that out . Some times i wonder if Im strong enough to go the distance here . I hate to question my commitment to winning her back but my god this is difficult . If she would just be at the same level everyday i could do it .But her ups and downs make me feel like its a lost cause . I guess thats where detachment comes in .
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
I'm still in moderation, so not sure how quickly this will show. Just a thought, I am very hesitant to show my h any positive attention, because it seems that once I start to relax my guard in any small way, he wants to take it further than I do. I would like sometimes to be able to relax and have pleasant interactions and leave it at that, but he always wants to push for more. So I clam up. Try hard not to be pleasant (not necessarily unpleasant), just not give him any false hope. Just a bit of insight from the other side. I hope it's helpful.
Dawgy; Yes it's hard. Be strong. This will take all the self determination you can muster. But you need to follow he advice. She will give you mixed messages. She will spew one day and be lovey dovey the next. It is a rollercoaster ride like you've never felt before. You will feel hopeful one moment and desperate and needy the next. You will cry and scream and get angry. This is all normal. But right now you need to get a grip. If you feel like saying something in response to her make the T sign with your hands and say "I just need a brief time out" and walk away. Go outside and breathe. Think about the consequences of any statements you may make. You could even give her a heads up that when you're talking with her and you feel unsure of how to respond to her then you may from time to time give her the T sign and state that you need a time out. I've done that with relative success. Although sometimes I've opened my mouth to let my foot fall out. We all screw up from time to time - it takes stamina to keep oneself under control. Very hard. Just dust yourself off and get back with the program. You could even say to her later, "Sorry I invaded your space this morning when you just needed to rest. I'll try to be more sensitive in the future." and leave it at that. Don't repeat it. Just say it once and move forward. Act happy even though inside you may be screaming for connection. Reread Sandi's rules. Rewrite them in the first person using I and your W's name where required. That way you can internalize them better.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
