I read and re-read the section about MLC in DR....I'm confused and need some clarification.
My husband had an EA that turned into PA with a co-worker. In May he said he would "end it" and stopped traveling to the city where she lives. That was about six weeks ago. But as I mentioned before, they're both in the same city right now which is making me sick.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Got it. It's likely he didn't end it as he told me he would.
So....the DR books suggest not to talk about the affair. Don't ask questions. Don't snoop. Don't confront. Don't beg, don't cry.....Doing these things will only push him toward the OP. I've seen that in action, I know that's what happens...so, okay. Check that box. New goal for me is to not talk about the OW or the affair. Also, don't talk about OUR relationship.
One of his complaints has been that I didn't used to spend enough time with him or attention to him. I was too focused on the kids. Okay - I get that. I'll even own that--it's true.
So - in this very bizarre place right now....how do I sort this out? Act nice and pleasant and as if nothing is wrong, when things are wrong. Talking to him about OP has only sent him into dark silences for days. But acting nice and pleasant isn't really representative of where I am right now, either. He sends me messages telling me that he loves me and he wants to take me on trips to Europe (where he is now)....believe none of what he says, though....right?
This requires patience, I get it. But if I'm supposed to ignore the behavior, how do I set boundaries around it?
I've been trying to come up with baby step goals for me to work on. Like - I'd like for us to say good night to each other every night. We used to - we don't anymore. I figured that's a baby of enough step to take. Other goals include "Fidelity and honesty" - clearly not a baby step. That's a broad, overarching goal. I'd like for him to apologize for the infidelity, but that's got to happen if/when this crazy is over. That could be years away according to what I know about MLC.
We used to have so much fun together, and I'd like to have fun again. Right now I don't trust him, so it's hard to have fun. There's an element of fake it til you make it...I'll go to dinner with him, or a movie...It's awkward, but it's better than the nothing that we used to do. Are those baby steps?
Really trying to figure out how to lovingly distance myself from a man who thought I had distanced myself from him...I think it's important to do so, since I want him to return to ME and just me...but my head is spinning since my previous behavior had left him missing something before.
Ah...it's not my fault, but it is my fault. Love is a choice, fidelity is a choice....
Head is spinning.....
He comes home in a few days, and then we go to a family reunion. Gah. I feel like Alice in Wonderland and nothing makes sense. Seriously - this is its own special kind of hell.
