Divorced and still bitter!!

[25yearsmlc]

I have let her go. I just can't let go the fact that her irresponsible ness will affect our s even more than just the divorce. She is going to do what she wants. She has for 3 years and got her divorce. But as a father, I need to protect my s. As a mother. She isn't.

Protect him... from what? Is the OM a monster? Then tell the court. IS she unfit? If so, then tell the court. But from what I read, she told you she wanted out of the m, more than 3 years ago. Now, You are legally divorced. But you're still mad as hell. My gut says you don't think SHE deserves you letting go of the anger, but that's where you are not seeing straight.


** If you recall nothing else I say, remember this:

Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire


to get smoke in their eyes....


It hurts you much much more than it hurts them, if it hurts them at all.
Think about that.

She's with the man she left you for, so that is a consistent presence in her life. As much as that hurts, I'm not sure if he were "OM #64", it would be better.

In fact, I'd argue it would be worse if she paraded around in front of your son, all the guys she meets, dates and then dumps.


Instead, there is just the one OM. Now, I'm so sorry you are still deeply wounded and unhealed from this.

And I get the feeling that you'd prefer if she were with either no one, or someone...just NOT OM. But then you could choose to feel worse b/c she's with no one and yet did not return to you (thus, in effect, choosing to be alone rather than with you), or you could feel worse b/c she left you for someone not so special...b/c IMO, when a spouse leaves you for another person, and then does NOT end up with them, it could feel worse to be left for "no one special". So there are ways you can view this and guarantee that you'll feel crappy about it no matter what her choices are.

I have a sister who was similarly wounded, b/c her h left her, and to her shock, he married OW (whom she did not know of) just 31 days later (the legal minimum).

Despite the many years having passed since her h left her for OW, and married OW, and had a baby with OW...my sister is still hurt and bitter. And that makes her less attractive to men she meets...a lot less. It also affected her career.

I"m here to tell you that you only get one life. Oh sure, you knew that. But you are ruining your only life...yes, YOU are. Not your FORMER wife.

Here comes a 2 x 4 and I do hope you take this in the spirit in which it's intended and given, which is a spirit of concern.

You sound so much like my sister....and she's miserable and my brothers won't spend much time with her anymore b/c she is "a drag to be around" and they won't introduce her to any more guys b/c she talks about her ex h TO THEM...and deeply distrusts men and to my knowledge she has seen 2 counselors and the reason she saw them was NOT TO look at herself,

but to ask them WHY her h left her? And to predict whether he'd be miserable and or regret leaving her. NOT about HER growth or need to change at all, the counseling and therapy was about how to fix or control OTHERS...and avoid looking within, at almost any costs.

It has been over a DECADE...but hey, you sound so much like her.


You are talking as if your wife is 1) cheating on you, today, and or

2) left you... last month...AND OR

3) that you are still married.

^^^None of those things are true, yet you operate as if they are.

I did not read your original thread so I have NO IDEA what your wife's complaints about the marriage, or your behavior were, IF any, OR If you have worked on yourself to become a man only a fool would leave...but

I hear a man wallowing and fuming, after all this time. You know, I have 2 family members who divorced and later remarried their former spouses, so, yeah, it can happen.

And imo, if you actually really changed yourself and became the man you always wanted to be, the man she needed, the fact that you are the father of her only child-- would make any mother re-think her choice.... who knows? Maybe there is still time...

but if you are condemning and self righteous and bitter, well, who wants to return to that? Spouses who leave a marriage that was unhappy (for them), do not return to the marriage, unless they believe it can be better/different than before.

So, why would she expect that? I'm sincerely asking. But I shall assume you do not want a reconciliation bsed on your comments here.

Anyhow, What are you DOING to Get A life? To move forward, to be happy, to be a healthy role model for your son?

B/c if you are really into "protecting" your son, you'll care more about the example YOU are setting, than what the heck your EX wife is doing.

If all your son sees is her happy with OM, in a loving healthy r,

versus you stomping your feet judging/condeming her, fuming...

well, I guess I need to ask you what YOUR GOAL would be in doing all that. Why not choose to move forward? It really is a choice.

At what point, if any, will you choose to move on? Have you sought any type of counseling? There is no shame in that.

Been there, done that. It's when I truly looked in the mirror and dug deep to see who I had become versus who my h had fallen in love with, and man, I had to let go of a lot.

I let go of my scorecard, I let go of my marital history (B/c HIS was a lot different than mine, and so was his scorecard)

and I let go of the past "injustices" and MY ANGER. Know why? B/c it consumed ME, not him.


If you have actually read the Divorce Busting or Div Remedy Book (I suggest the latter if possible),

then you know it's your turn to just be in charge of your own happiness and stop the blame game. Move on...see what happens when you become a happier man.

It sure will help your son.