Hi, I posted a great reply (I thought!) and then lost it. I am a great fan of Bancroft. Abuse is one area where all parties 'blame' the victim. It would be so helpful if abusers came with a big A on their forehead, but the truth is they are often subtle and clever, and do not start in until we are comfortable.
I believe that MLC is largely about emotional abuse, and also agree with Frank Pittmen that adultery is emotional abuse, and not about sex. If we saw it that way we would be less tolerant , in social terms, I believe.
Coming out of a long relationship with an abusive MLCer (even if they didn't start that way, and my xh was not abusive during most of our long marriage) we are vulnerable, but not stupid!!
You spotted it and stopped it. Fantastic, As Bancroft shows, almost anyone can sucked into an abusive relationship - the stories of survivors show a whole range of strong feisty women. Indeed I would argue that our fairness, kindness and compassion make us arguably a little more vulnerable - we cut people some slack.
The idea that we are somehow to blame for the abuse of someone else is just not right. If we stay in an abusive relationship that is something else, but even then we need help and compassion, not blame. The abuser gives out enough of that.
Objectively I am sorry for abusers, but they need to take resonsibility for their actions, that is the key/ Not blame us for being open to abuse.
