She says she's conflicted

[25yearsmlc]

I should probably add, NONE of this changes one iota of what Bond, Gabby, 25yrs and others are telling you about WORKING ON YOURSELF.

I am only adding to the conversation that element that I see is missing, and it's TACTICAL -- just a key means of communicating, and learning to set and enforce boundaries. It does not change what your STRATEGY should be, and that is to WORK ON YOURSELF, and building your own confidence and attractiveness, and working on your wife's legitimate marital complaints, and being the best father and role model you can be for your kids!

I echo these sentiments^^... I might make your reply to your wife's complaints about her boyfriend, shorter. Mostly b/c I fear 2 things: You won't STFU after you say it b/c you'll go on and on OR you'll want her to apologize, AND OR, you'll say it with anger.

Perhaps ask her to consider the whole dynamic involved (what I think Starsky is saying is, in part, that she's treating you like her bff, and that's not sexy or showing leadership. Plus, it's wacky levels of wrong.)

Just TELL her you think "wow, w, if you put yourself in MY shoes, I hope you'd see how this is a wildly inappropriate topic. So I can't listen to it anymore so, see ya."

Thing is, then you have to STFU and leave the room. Yeah, LEAVE THE ROOM and do not act show that you are angry. Stay in control of yourself.

You are merely SHOWING her that you will not listen to that type of discussion and b/c you have given her an explanation (obvious to the rest of the "real world") there's really nothing much left to talk about...right?

Also, you have a HUGE positive that just happened, (assuming your wife agreed) to STOP THE DIVORCE.

Don't blow it now. Do NOT PUSH FOR MORE YET...

and finally, I'm going to post something you probably should have gotten before but I forgot I still had it.

It's a copy of a letter from a WAW to her h. Her h, in their case, had made some significant changes within, and he had become a better h/father.

He could not comprehend why she would still feel uncertain about their marriage.

But he admitted he'd been "kind of a jerk" before hand. More than just neglecting her (that, too) but often snapping, taking his wife for granted and being critical, moody, dumping on her as well. She had NOT been his priority.

So, just see if any of the letter from the wife, might ring true for you.

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED,& WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET, AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M.

I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.


Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to 'win'.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to 'win'.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
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Another thing to think of is how "mathematical" this can be.

consistent change on your part + sufficient time = change SHE can believe in.

Good luck.