I had done about five years of work on getting over my childhood before H and I got together. My dad was instrumental in that. Once I got knocked up at 16, it was a big slap in the face from the universe (and his parents) that he hadn't done so hot. He did a complete, total turn around and really worked his butt off to repair as much of the damage as he could. From the time I was 18 to the time I was 21, I tried 9 different antidepressants and several other combinations. I had bad reactions to all of them but the one I'm on now... which could kill me. When I say bad reactions, I mean everything from debilitating headaches to full blow, nearly-wrecked-my-car panic attacks to hallucinations. I don't medicate well at all. Doctors hate me. I did counseling and lots of art therapy and spiritual work and between that and finally having a good relationship with my dad and understanding what was happening for the grown-ups at the time, I'm pretty well over all that. The unfortunate side effect has been, however, that because I've seen such a radical change for the better in my dad... it's made me a little too patient and understanding of "good people" who do "bad crap" simply because they can't get their emotional selves together. Which is probably how I ended up losing ten years of my life to a cruddy M.
One of the most important things I've learned is that I wasn't assertive. Most of the people who knew me laughed at first. But slowly it dawned on me and those nearest to me that while I was *bitchy* I was not assertive. I could complain like nobody else... but I wasn't good at setting boundaries and getting what I wanted and needed from anyone. My IC had me work through The Assertiveness Workbook, which was helpful. Unfortunately, H doesn't really like it when I'm assertive about something he doesn't like... especially since I look and sound so reasonable when I'm being assertive instead of just being *bitchy* so it's harder for him to just be dismissive and rude. It's strange. H hates any kind of conflict at all. He stonewalls a lot. I still don't get a lot out of him even while being assertive and calm but at least I feel better about my position and requests.
I've learned a lot about why we fought so much. And I learned what I need from a partner to be happy and that's been very important. We have very different love languages. My H is acts through and through. I'm a pretty even trio of quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation. My H is very bad with all of these. Learning this about myself was really important in healing some residual hurts from my past as well. I had been described as "the little girl no one loved" and it really sums up how I felt growing up. Knowing what I know now about the 5LL, I know that nearly everyone in my life had different LLs than I did and my parents' LLs are the two I value least - gifts and acts of service. The few people I did feel cared about me as a child shared my understanding of love as time. My parents were very busy when I was a child and rarely had time for me. So learning that was helpful both for my M and for my family in general. It's also been helpful that my mom no longer feels she has to flood me with gifts that clutter up my tiny apartment.
I learned that I'm not happy being a SAHM with an introverted H. I'm pretty balanced between introverted and extroverted. But I grew up in a big family. So having my H as literally my ONLY adult company for years was crazy-making. So I've tried to branch out. But the Pacific NW is notoriously antisocial and it's very difficult to make meaningful friendships here. Especially if you're not keen on the culture here... which I'm not. I'm also not a single, childless, pot-smoking, marathon-running, hipster so that might have something to do with it. After three years in therapy, my IC and I pretty much agree that I don't belong here and won't really be happy living so far away from my family no matter what.
A lot of what I've done does seem like fixing. It's just that my H is an acts of service person. I am not. I do not understand acts of service. I just do nice stuff for people. Even people I don't know. So figuring out what would be a sign of love and what is just being stupid and asking for him to take advantage of me has been difficult... especially with no feedback from him.
I don't need my H to tell me what color my hair should be. It just annoys me that I've drastically changed my hair color a dozen times and he never says anything... because he is so *NOT* a words of affirmation person. It just annoys the hell out of me. I live and dye (pun intended) by feedback. I'm an artist and critiques are important. My H doesn't offer feedback - positive or negative - on anything. Which is why I was blindsided by him leaving. Our history together is strikingly silent. Really p!sses me off since I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I'd spent a decade and lots of money, time, and energy trying to *guess* what would make him happy or get his attention in terms of my appearance, events, dates, decor, food, gifts, activities, actions, sex... everything... because he always says he doesn't know. It's annoying. I have learned this: If I can't save my M, I'm never dating another quiet guy as long as I live. Introverted, fine. Won't talk to *me* about stuff? No, that's dysfunctional. I have zero interest in being set up to fail like this again.
As for the non-latex condoms... we tried them initially. Non-latex condoms don't stretch, however, and fit is a serious problem. We gave up on them because we had a 75% failure rate with them. It's also somewhat more difficult to find ones that aren't treated with spermicide - which I have horrible reactions to... which we discovered by trying to use spermicide films. It's just not worth the hassle and frustration and expense (non-latex condoms cost a lot more than latex ones). I think judging by the quick, easily deliveries I had with both kids, the reactions to birth controls both mechanical and hormonal, my high sex drive, and my boobs' ability to bounce back fairly well after a year and a half of breastfeeding... that nature intended for me to have 15 children. ... I do not want 15 children. But I'm not sure I don't want any more than I have now.
As for plans, I'm not putting off my plans for school anymore. They've been put off for 10 years. I've given him my list of *needs* in order to go to school here... and still don't have a commitment from him. I'm still living some place where I'm forced to take medication that might kill me just because of the weather. That's stupid. But... I don't know. I see it as not my problem since moving was always on the list of *our* plans. He's got a single, elderly mother in FL who is living alone in horrifying living conditions and still working because she needs help. And he's here. That's dumb.
My H and I have a very deep bond that is beyond the day-to-day crap that tears apart our M. It's why neither of us has been able to walk away entirely. It's very difficult to explain without sounding like a new age freak but it's very real. He's my muse and my soul mate. He's just lousy at being a human being sometimes. And so am I. We're very good friends and great lovers, too. We're just bad at communication, assertiveness, self-care (leading to resentment, though I've gotten MUCH better about this over the past few years), and conflict resolution, all things that are learned skills.
We have an appointment with a very busy, very expensive, very good, Gottman-certified MC next week. We'll see if it means anything or not. I don't even know if H is serious about going.
So learning that was helpful both for my M and for my family in general. It's also been helpful that my mom no longer feels she has to flood me with gifts that clutter up my tiny apartment.
