Possilble WAW

[pilot]

I m not so sure about this detachment thing it seems to work a bit but them it also gives her time to be with OM .

As weird and unnatural as this sounds, you WANT that to happen. The only way her affair is going to end is for the affair to play itself out. Most affairs do not last as relationships because they are not built on the same foundation as true relationships. And apparently most affairs do not last more than 6 months.

I also noticed that you guys are all still separated ? Has anyone gained some ground here to say that Sandi s list really works ? I not doubting it , im just looking for proof that the technique works .I really appreciate all the input . It makes me feel better but so far all I can see from the techniques of DB is giving her some space , she likes that but probably only because it gives her time to text or be with him

I have been S for just under 4 weeks. I am in the mostly NC stage. I say mostly because I have kids. I have also detached very well. What this has meant for me is I do not spend my days consumed by thoughts of her or thoughts of her A. Does not mean I love her any less and it does not mean on occasion the emotions of the whole thing do not come creeping back up. But I have (thanks to what I have learned here and in DR) been able to control those emotions and they do not interfere with my daily routine.

I know you are wanting proof that DBing works and that what you are doing is the right thing, especially because it feels so unnatural. The BEST way you can do that is find the older threads. I am too new to see results. Go back to the main forum list and select the forum Another Divorce Busted. It will give you a list of success stories where people with give a very short overview of their story. Some look completely hopeless in the beginning but they have happy endings. I still seek out old threads in their entirety and read them from start to finish. It allows me to follow someone entire journey which took them months or even over a year. I can do this usually in one night. I see what they did right and what they did wrong. I try to learn from this.

.Also detachment scares me , what if I detach to the point i dont care about her anymore . Thats not whaT i WANT HERE , i WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE MORE THAN ANYTHING iVE EVER WANTED . iM NOT QUESTIONING ANYONES POSITION HERE , iM JUST VERY CONFUSED ABOUT THE TECHNIQUE

I worried about this, and still do. I think all LBS do. And truth be told you may end up at that point. You may realize that you do not want to be in the marriage any more. And I say that as a GOOD thing. Right now your thoughts are clouded with emotions and you are in survival mode. Right now you are focused on winning her back. Part of detaching is getting yourself away from emotional thought and back to rational thought. Only then are you able to work on yourself as well as evaluate what went wrong in your M. You will then be able to decide how best to work on yourself and what your contributions to your M falling apart were. You have no control over what your W does or will do. All you can do is become the best you can, and your W will notice. What she does at that point is completely up to her. She may think she wants to give the M another try or she may want to just move on. Even if she wants to give it a try, there are a million ways HOW she gives it a try. She may want to put in all the effort in the world and truly be sorry and repent for all the hurt she has done, and work on herself as you are doing for yourself now. Or she may just want to walk right back in the M without doing any work on herself and not be sorry for what she has done. If she does come back to the M, only then can you decide if you still want to be with her. But that point is not today, so try not to even think about it.

I know this is the worst you have probably felt in your life. We are all either there, or have been there. And I know how much it [censored] to be living under the same roof with your W when she is so cold to you, and still involved in an A. No person should have to endure that. I was able to initiate and get a physical separation because I was going to lose my mind under those conditions. Within a week of being S, my mental state improved 1,000%.

Keep your chin up and really use this forum for all it is worth. A place to vent, a place to ask questions, and a place to learn from other peoples' stories.

Best of luck to you!

[Riley]

Dawgy, we are not experts on what is guaranteed to work. But, we know being "needy" and "clingy" will never make your spouse or any spouse want to come back. Sandi's list is good at least 85% of the time at least for my sitch.

The more you "push" love on your spouse the more the spouse will "pull". That is pull away towards not you.

And she's a woman. Give her space to miss you. Its like dating, I know its difficult but this is your only shot. Don't do what hasn't worked based on practice and experience.

Read Sandi's list, detach, and be the awesome spouse you are; don't judge, be friendly, be upbeat and don't be the sideline b*tech every rapper raps about. Its all you or no you brother.

Good luck!

[dawgy]

Thanks PeterV2 . I needed to hear some one was having success with this technique. Ive got everything riding on this .Im trying people but its proving very difficult .

[Riley]

Dawgy,

Also read the advice from wise DB'ers threads. A lot of very positive stuff in there and great ways to think differently on your sitch. If you want things to improve youneed to do the exact oopposite of what you did to get yourself here. You can make yourself better right now. Your spouse has to make her own decision.

[dawgy]

She texted me from work last night and asked if i minded that she work late because she had alot to catch up on. Lol I bit my tongue and said " no problem hun , i know you are very busy and have alot to do . I will look after supper for the kids and i will see you later " She said okay . Now what i wanted to say was , oh yeah " work late ????" She probably went with him and it killed me to let it slide like that .But I guess thats DBing .She got home and was very tired , she had a bath and was fairly interactive . She even got up and made me breakfast this morning which hasnt happened in quite a while . Now my question is this , did she get up and make me breakfast because she felt so guilty about being with him last eve or did she appreciate the loving husband who trusted her to work late and not accuse her of anything ??

[PeterV2]

Now my question is this , did she get up and make me breakfast because she felt so guilty about being with him last eve or did she appreciate the loving husband who trusted her to work late and not accuse her of anything ??

It was the loving, trusting, non-accusing husband. If you hadn't bitten your tongue last night and accused her of infidelity I can assure you that you would have been making your own breakfast this morning. Maybe she did work late. Maybe she saw OM. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you control yourself and be that loving, non-accusing husband (I left out the trusting because that's not really part of the equation here). You cannot control what she does. You can only control yourself and even that is a challenge - work on that.
See, it does work. React to her the opposite of what she expects and counter-intuitively. That's DBing.

By the way, you can see a lot of Michelle Wiener-Davis' talks on YouTube. Check out the one on WAWs. That was an eye opener for me. I even showed that one to my WAW early on (big mistake - she dismissed it as BS). So for your eyes only.

Keep it up. You're getting the hang of it. Don't worry about any deadlines. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

[dawgy]

Thx Peter . I was patiently waiting for someone to chime is this morning . Mainly because zi was so proud of my self for holding back last night . I just really miss her . Its a constant ache in my heart . I look at her and feel so dam worthless . My insides are rolling thinking she may never let me hold her again . The only reason Im Dbing is for the sole purpose of having my love back . That is why detachment is so hard for me , because I truly love this woman . It is the worst feeling ive ever had including deaths of loved ones .

[Thornton]

Hey Dawgy,

I think we can all relate to this. It's been almost 2 months for me since bomb and I'm just now starting to get a slight handle on my emotions.

In fact, last night was the first night I didn't wake up more than once.

It's awful, the broken heart. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

When I first started this process, I didn't beleive anyone that things could start to get better. They kept telling me detach and GAL. I couldn't grasp how that was even possible because I was so torn up inside.

Some days are still really rough for me, but some days are manageable (not easy, just manageable).

Hang in there. Take one day at a time.

[PeterV2]

Dawgy;
Here's a heads-up. She will at times spew forth all sorts of hurtful lies, rewrite your past and say things that make you want to argue or reason with her. What you need is a thick spew jacket (mental image) to withstand this spewing. It'll be extremely difficult not to react. That's where the zen-like self-control is required. Just let these things slide off you like water off a duck. Practise phrases like, "I can see how you might feel that way", or "Wow, that must be very difficult" but don't start reasoning with her. She will not respond well to logic or reason - seriously!

[Ben2010]

Dawgy;
Here's a heads-up. She will at times spew forth all sorts of hurtful lies, rewrite your past and say things that make you want to argue or reason with her. What you need is a thick spew jacket (mental image) to withstand this spewing. It'll be extremely difficult not to react. That's where the zen-like self-control is required. Just let these things slide off you like water off a duck. Practise phrases like, "I can see how you might feel that way", or "Wow, that must be very difficult" but don't start reasoning with her. She will not respond well to logic or reason - seriously!

I can tell you from experience that the zen-like self-control works like a charm. When she starts venting or yelling or accusing, you just remain calm and validate when you have the opportunity. Do not raise your voice at all. Dont say anything that disagrees with what she is saying. Do not ask if anything has changed in her mind. Do not start talking about the way you feel or problems you are having. Listen and STFU unless she asks you something. All of this will deescalate her and make it a much more pleasant conversation. She will run out of steam eventually.

If you want to see an example of it, look at my posting about what happened this past weekend in my sitch. It was some sort of miracle turnaround.