You say focus on my art, she gets upset I'm spending too much time on it. She WANTS me around more, I listened, and adapted. And I like it! I still paint, I could paing more but, like her, I LIKE spending more time with her and I'm glad I moved my studio home.
All I really want to do is talk to her about this or ANY situation that might come up like this----it's not simply about not having sex, it's the inability to talk about it that really bugs and why I keep coming back, only it feels "selfish" to people because the issue happens to be intimacy.
So I've tried to talk, but it didn't work. K, so the next suggestion is to try a note instead, or try talking again, or say it in a text, even an email.
But the caveat there is I'm afraid of the consequences. She tends to immediately shut down no matter how the information is presented. If she gets shut down enough times, it's gone for good. It's scary. I don't want it to be a negative experience because she holds onto those for so long.
So wait until counseling, right? Well, it's not that she's deliberately putting it off, it's more like she forgets, or has other things to do, or she's waiting to hear back from a facebook message about who to contact (she doesn't want me to set up the counseling she said, plus her insurance covers some of it and mine doesn't)-------but now it seems more like the fact that I'm in my own counseling has given her reason to stop, to not consider marriage counseling. It's not that she wouldn't think we could benefit, it's that she simply stopped thinking about it.
And that's the rub-------I can't come out and say it again without it being pressured (no matter what the issue is, from sex to dirty laundry on the floor to puppy training) and she isn't internally motivated to change, perhaps BECAUSE I continue to be nice, be attentive, clean, not argue, etc.
I saw my therapist again yesterday before the AS thing came up so we'll have to wait again until next week---right now we're just working on stress managmenet----I'm not outright stressful or stressed, but I'm handling stress better. She says my wife can come any time, but my wife pretty much said "it's your thing."
Here's a rule of thumb for your next posts---and I don't want to see any for awhile.
You are NOT to use the following words:
SHE ("My wife, W, Spouse, Partner, Better Half, Significant Other, Bestie, Soul-Mate --with or without hyphens.) HER WE, US, OUR(s) WE'RE... SEX. ML, Lovemaking, anything about sex.
Time for a shifting of gears here.
I think for the time being we only want to hear about YOU.
No more responses until this happens, at least from me.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I don't want to read another word here until you take a break, get some clarity, see your therapist... then I'd like to hear all about it.
K, no responses until my therapist tells me I have or don't have Asperger's, lol.
I will keep hiding my feelings and lying to (a person) each day until I have more to say about me. I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe I shouldn't have come here? Everyone seems to agree on that.
No everyone agrees that you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and start realizing that your W is going through an actual medical problem.
Can't talk about that even, though. She may have a medical problem. She's not "sick," but what if she doesn't have a medical problem at all? Well, we won't know for months, so until then I have to ignore her some and try not to get confused when she touches me.
You did, technically, stick to the rules, so here goes. Good start. (Sneaky on "a person" though. How did I know you would do that?)
Appreciate the smiley too. And you are already more brief and less manic sounding.
Rule: You are NOT to refer to your wife or your sex life AT ALL for the time being. Talk to your therapist about what we've discussed.
Let's hear about YOU. Who is Grey aside from your wife's husband?
I doubt you are so boring that, if prevented from going on ad nauseum about your wife, your sex life, and your frustration with both, that you have absolutely nothing of value to share?
Not possible.
Just stick to the rules or I am hanging up.
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Grey, if this doesn't prove to you that you are FIXATED on this to an unhealthy degree, nothing will.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Grey, if this doesn't prove to you that you are FIXATED on this to an unhealthy degree, nothing will.
I'm confused even worse now.
I came here to talk about this issue. I have other places to talk about art, or where I write, events I'm planning, I came here FOR advice about why I feel so alone from being rejected...then I get scorned for it.
I don't obsess. It seems like it here BECAUSE I'm here to talk about it.
You are not being scorned. It's just that talking to you has no effect on your perspective for whatever reason.
Your hyper-focus on this issue and inability to see how unhealthy it is concerns me.
We have heard plenty about "those things of which we do not speak."
Has any of it changed your situation? Has there been a magic bullet? Do you have the power to fix this by going round and round, or, by doing anything?
No. No. And no.
Please, also refrain from defending yourself here. There is no need. Also, you only get to play the "poor scorned creepy me" pity card once.
So--Yes.
Talk about yourself as a person, not as a husband. WHO is "Grey"?
Have at it.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I'm an artist, a painter. colorofgrey.com I like to cook, especially French and creole. I love bacon---I put it in my chili; I call it BBC chilli (beer, bacon, coffee).
I play guitar, mostly classical music, folk and rock. I don't play live anymore but love to jam with friends and my twin brother. I love college football, all of it. I love Ferrari and Formula 1. Ferrari has a cultural mindset of being the best. I like that.
I like to work. I don't love TV, didn't even have it for a decade before maybe two years ago (I got cable for college football season). I love movies, but I don't watch a lot of TV, although I did watch Hannibal, the best show on TV, and Game of Thrones, which makes me wonder how anyone can think the Bible is a perfect translation after hundreds of years when the books are so different. I'd rather listen to music & radio or, even better, podcasts (mostly Joe Rogan and Jay Mohr, Greg Proops, etc.)
I'm outgoing, funny, tall, good shape, I've always had some sleep problems, I love live music and the South, disc golf, organizing events and shows, beer, whiskey, California, coffee, swimming, grilling, writing for local magazines, horror films, cooperative video games, dogs, being outdoors, gardening, romance, popcorn, sandals, kite boarding and stunt kites, learning new skills, crock pots, thunderstorms, and camp fires.
