Save me from myself, need true guidance.

[Starsky309]

Thank you Starsky that honestly clears it up a lot for me.

I can be loving and friendly, but remained detached. I obviously wouldn't say what you said to her

Why not?

[Starsky309]

One thing I did before and I think was a mistake was telling her that as long as she was in an R with the other man I was nothing more than a father to our kids.

I don't think there was anything wrong with that either.

During my sitch, when my wife was still in the throes of her affair, I said the following to her:

"_________, I feel like I need to be clear with you about something. You keep using the word 'friends.' Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by having an affair and lying to everyone about it including your own parents and our adult children . . . then I have absolutely zero intentions of being 'friends' with you. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other, I'm sorry. However, if you choose to end your affair and come back and work on our marriage with me . . . and if after a period of time (say, 6-12 months) you feel like this cannot be fixed, and you've given it your best shot? Then yes, I could see us ending up not only co-parents but probably pretty good friends, as we've always had so much in common. I mean it would take a little while for me to get there, but I could see it. But NOT like this . . . not what you're doing now, to me and to the family."

She told me two months later, when we reconciled, that the LOSS OF OUR FRIENDSHIP was the single biggest factor she decided to end her affair and come back and try to work on the marriage with me.

There is nothing wrong with lovingly stating your non-negotiable boundaries.


Starsky

[RedHawk98]

I don't think there was anything wrong with that either.

During my sitch, when my wife was still in the throes of her affair, I said the following to her:

"_________, I feel like I need to be clear with you about something. You keep using the word 'friends.' Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by having an affair and lying to everyone about it including your own parents and our adult children . . . then I have absolutely zero intentions of being 'friends' with you. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other, I'm sorry. However, if you choose to end your affair and come back and work on our marriage with me . . . and if after a period of time (say, 6-12 months) you feel like this cannot be fixed, and you've given it your best shot? Then yes, I could see us ending up not only co-parents but probably pretty good friends, as we've always had so much in common. I mean it would take a little while for me to get there, but I could see it. But NOT like this . . . not what you're doing now, to me and to the family."

She told me two months later, when we reconciled, that the LOSS OF OUR FRIENDSHIP was the single biggest factor she decided to end her affair and come back and try to work on the marriage with me.

There is nothing wrong with lovingly stating your non-negotiable boundaries.


Starsky

Your speech to your wife perfectly sums up my feelings towards me situation.

Wounds dont heal with a foreign body in there, and neither do marriages in my opinion.

I also refuse to be friends with my wife when I was given no opportunity to save a marriage because of a secret OM, beyond a humiliating Pick Me Dance. Lied to still.

I'm no longer angry and hurt about it.
Just using a reference to reinforce a point.

[Starsky309]

It wasn't a speech. It was a core belief -- it's what I truly felt. For me, it was genuine and it was authentic. It flowed from me just as naturally as would a conversation with her about our favorite baseball team, or our favorite restaurant.

[Corbean]

Star sky that perfectly and exactly sums up how I feel about my current situation with her. Except that her whole family knows about the OM and she actually takes him to hang out with them with the kids and stuff. Where she's at her A isn't secret at all, but a fully open relationship.

You have spoken to me so deeply because that is literally what I have been thinking but didn't know how to say. How should I adjust that for my current situation?

[RedHawk98]

Speech was the wrong word I guess. I meant speaking your mind on those core beliefs. Regardless of outcome.

I was advised against that doing that in the beginning. The worst piece of crap advice I ever received.

[Starsky309]

If she's been doing this openly for more than two months, then I'm not sure. You can (and should) still enforce what boundaries you have WITH YOU, and IN YOUR MARITAL HOME, and of course you should still discuss with her what is healthy for the kids (no family therapist worth their salt would EVER recommend bringing an OM around the kids for at LEAST a year or more!).

Although my wife respected most of my core boundaries (no calling or texting OM in front of the kids, no calling or texting OM from inside our marital home, no spending family assets on her affair, etc.), there were others she did not. And there were certainly things like me saying "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to pay for your cellphone, for you to use to conduct your affair," and she went out and got her own and paid for it herself within two hours. So did that accomplish anything? I would contend YES, because a) it was authentic to ME and make me feel better about MYSELF and how I was LOOKING OUT FOR OUR FAMILY, and b) it demonstrated to her that I had firm boundaries that she'd better not cross. She hated me for them at the TIME, but she told me later, when we reconciled, that she respected me for them and that it was attractive!

You're mainly asking how you should ACT around her, and I'm trying to suggest that the whole "unconditional standing, be-their-friend" supplication thing doesn't work.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Speech was the wrong word I guess. I meant speaking your mind on those core beliefs. Regardless of outcome.

I was advised against that doing that in the beginning. The worst piece of crap advice I ever received.

I'd have to go back and read the context of that advice, Hawk (assuming that it was given here? on the forum?) Sometimes posters advise you not to do something or say something because we can TELL that you might be coming across as angry, spiteful, vindictive, etc. Boundaries should be done from a place of calm confidence, because they are "The Right Thing to Do," and NOT from a place of anger or spite or shaming.


Starsky

[Corbean]

I see where you're coming from.

However, I think I didn't clarify, she currently lives 5 hours away in her hometown. I did tell her that she needs to get moved over to her parents cell phone bill, that I couldn't afford to pay for it anymore, but told her that I would wait until she gets a job. Which apparently should be happening this or next week.

I have tried to tell her that I wasn't comfortable with the kids being around the OM but she doesn't care. She doesn't care about my core beliefs at all. I guess I need to clarify more, she is living with the OM and so are my kids every other week.

[RedHawk98]

Speech was the wrong word I guess. I meant speaking your mind on those core beliefs. Regardless of outcome.

I was advised against that doing that in the beginning. The worst piece of crap advice I ever received.

I'd have to go back and read the context of that advice, Hawk (assuming that it was given here? on the forum?) Sometimes posters advise you not to do something or say something because we can TELL that you might be coming across as angry, spiteful, vindictive, etc. Boundaries should be done from a place of calm confidence, because they are "The Right Thing to Do," and NOT from a place of anger or spite or shaming.


Starsky

No this was advice from my wife's family.
"Give her space", "She needs to soul search", "I don't know when she's coming back but keep up the good work" etc

Translated at the time as "Shut up and let her bang this other dude until she makes up her mind"

Sorry to hijack the thread.