Hi BRNR, It's OK to feel what your are right now. I too have those same feeling now that my W has left and filed. I too see my W in my D's. I too really miss the OLD W, my BF for 25 years. I gave her nothing but space, time and even support while she slept on the couch and did whatever she wanted. I didn't interfere in her life at all but that wasn't enough. I was STILL the problem, the reason she is so very unhappy. I stuck by her through years of depression, years of her just not being able to cope. Now all I hear is how I ruined everything, how every set back in our lives was MY fault.
I hear how I'm going to be "horrible' just like "everybody" said I would even though I haven't done a single thing to hurt her. I see her get jealous of my relationship with my D's. How she is now suddenly wanting to be a good mother when it was last on her list for years but just doesn't remember how.
I too seem to be alone in understanding how I feel. Yes, I get she has "done me dirty", I should be glad she is gone. They don't understand it's not the present "her" I miss but the "her" she used to be. The person I know is still in there, waiting to wake back up and see the mistakes she is making. I too want that more than anything. For her to see, really see all the damage she has done and is still doing not just to me but to the people who counted on her (kids) and still want to love her. By the time this happens I'm sure that I'll be long gone and moved on with my life. I still want it badly but I fear that by the time it happens it will no longer matter to me.
Don't worry BRNR, this too shall pass. Keep being the best person and mom you can be. Your H is on a mission to destroy himself and hates that you are refusing to go down with him. Stay strong and be careful. Protect yourself and the kids. You will come through this and be better for it!
