WAW...Again, Part II

[labug]

I think you have a good plan in place.

And yes, your W is working on this, which means a lot.

It seems you're doing a good job with no pressure, no expectations.

[stumps]

So at W's request I talked to my IC and asked her if she would be willing to meet with W and I together. IC said she does not do couples counseling per se, but that if we wanted to meet with her for a session or two she would be willing. She did want to know what our intent was and what we hoped to get out of it, and since it was W's suggestion I told her I would talk to W and try to get a fuller/clearer understanding of why she asked me in the first place.

W said she wasn't really sure, in concrete terms, why she made the suggestion. She emphasized that there wasn't anything specific she wanted to discuss, it was just that she felt like, since we were each seeing our own therapists/doing our own "work", it would be good to meet with someone together occasionally just to "check in" and kind of get a lay of the land and see where we are and where we might be headed. W said she suggested seeing my IC together instead of hers because her IC is very "clinical", whereas mine is very holistic/spiritually oriented, and W said that was attractive to her and she wanted to see what it was like (not sure how much of a sense of that she'll get from just a visit or two but...whatever).

At any rate, I got back to my IC and told her what W and I had discussed, and my IC said that was all fine and she would indeed meet with us for a couple of sessions. Both my IC and I are approaching it as "it couldn't hurt (I hope) and it just may help". I figure since it was my W's suggestion, I will let her lead the discussion and see where the conversation goes.

I'm really hoping this helps us both... as individuals and as a couple.

W continues to battle herself... The back-and-forth is almost an amazing thing to watch and experience. Yesterday we had a very nice "patio date". W gave me many hugs, and some nice kisses on the cheek and neck throughout the evening. Nothing crazy passionate, but just...nice. It felt really good. But then this morning she was as cold and distant as ever. I'm just riding it all out, not commenting either way. I believe this is what they call "the rubber band effect"...

[labug]

or life.

[stumps]

or life.

Not sure I understand completely... do you mean, this isn't necessarily "the rubber band effect", this is just how life is? Sometimes they feel close, connected, and giving, and sometimes they feel distant and removed?

If so, then I guess the goal is to accept people as they are, where they are... Accept what they have to give when they give it...but give them space and freedom to not give it when that isn't where they are.

[labug]

You got it!

[stumps]

You got it!

Now I just have to live it!

[stumps]

Had a little interaction with W last night that I think exemplifies the differences in the way people communicate... and the importance of saying what you mean and asking explicitly for what you want.

I was sitting on our love seat watching TV when W got home from work. She plopped down and stretched out on our sofa and said "You're welcome to join me over here if you want." I thanked her, but stayed where I was because although I appreciated her consideration, I knew she had had a long night at work and that she likes to stretch out on the sofa to give her legs a rest after being on her feet all night.

Well, about an hour later she turned to me from her place on the sofa and said in a mock sobbing voice "Stumps, why are you way over there when I asked you to sit with me, don't you want to be with me?!" I smiled and chuckled a little bit and then got up and came over and sat down next to her and said that of course I wanted to sit with her, but that in my mind I was giving her space to relax and--more to the point--I interpret "you're welcome to join me if you want" differently from "please come join me/I want you to join me." W paused for a moment and then said "you know, you are totally right. What I wanted was for you to come sit with me, but I asked in a way that didn't make that clear."

So, not that this is some earth-shattering revelation or anything, but it did make me realize that this is a common sort of dynamic...at least in W's and my communication. Guess I can't speak for anyone else. But I know that W and I have often misinterpreted the things we say to each other, and the best defense against that is to say exactly what we mean, and to not make assumptions, and to ask for clarification when necessary.

In other news, W and the kids leave for Oregon tomorrow, where they will be staying for a week to visit the part of W's family that lives there. I'll be staying home to work some overtime and will also use the opportunity to hang out with some friends and get some extra work done around the house. Will probably do some festivities with the neighbors for the 4th of July too.

I haven't said anything about missing W when she's gone in the days leading up to their departure (mentioned missing the kids a couple of times though). Today while I was making lunch W did another of her pretend sobbing things and said "aren't you going to miss me when I'm gone?!" I told her that of course I was going to miss her, as this will be the longest we've been apart in the 10 years we've been married, but that I was excited for her and the kids to have this great trip and that's what I wanted to be the focus, not me being home without her and the kids. Then, because it felt completely organic and wasn't something that I thought about or agonized over, I told her I loved her and hoped she had a great time, and that although I had tons to do to keep me busy when they were gone, I would be eager for her to get back home too. I had said "I love you" without any expectations of it being reciprocated, but to my surprise W said "I love you too" in return. It all felt very natural...like an expression of our feelings without any expectations attached to them. I think that's about the best I can hope for at this stage.