Wow, thanks team! I truly appreciate all of your thoughts and wishes!
The weather yesterday was pleasant. We walked the city for a bit before the tour. The boat ride was an educational tour, where the guide tells the history of the buildings along the river, and of the city in general. It goes through all three branches of the river, and is 75 minutes long. Something I've been wanting to do for a while. It was very interesting and our guide was quite entertaining. W and I both had a great time!
Afterwards we had a quick meal, walked some more, and jumped on the train for the return ride home. We both enjoyed the outing and talked comfortably. A couple years ago W refused to go on this tour, saying “I don’t know what we would talk about”. Since we found plenty to talk about yesterday, I’d say this is progress.
Once home, I gave W an Anniversary card and gift, which she thanked me for. I then made us some coffee and opened up the Big Subject: "I'd like to discuss US." "Is now a good time or would you like to wait until tomorrow?" A little surprised, she said we could do it now.
I said I was bringing this up because I believed we were overdue to discuss where we stand regarding the M. (It’s been a year!) I started by asking how I was doing by her, and what did she want out of our relationship.
Some comments from W:
I’m still here because we stay out of each others way. (ok, not the most exciting reason to have your spouse stay, but it does give the M time to turn around.)
I figure we'll just hang on like this until one of us dies. (hopelessness)
Pre-Mom’s death, I thought I had something that I didn't. (change of perception)
We're just good friends.
There's no spark. You can't build that spark from nothing.
Some comments from me:
I couldn't/wouldn't go on forever with the way things are. This is not just about what one person does or doesn't want... we both have a say in this M. Also that I expected to eventually have a physical relationship with my wife. If she couldn’t, or didn’t want to get there, I understand and I’ll be OK with that being the end of our M. <<< Don't try this at home kiddies!
This caused a sort of mini bomb response, as she reminded me of some of the times she felt I failed her.
I said I have accepted that I have made mistakes, and I have been addressing my flaws and working on becoming the best man I can be.
I also said hindsight goes both ways. When I look back I can see things that were missing too.
She admitted to “not being perfect” either.
We both agreed we cannot change the past, only the future.
She talked about not being able to ever go back to what was. I agreed, and said I wouldn’t want that anyway. I want something new that is much better.
I asked her directly: Do you still hold the incident against me? “I forgave you. Not sure I can trust you” was her answer.
She also confirmed what I already observed was the case… that her anger at me was at an all time high immediately following Mom’s death, and has been subsiding ever since. Said she could have ran me over with a car Dec 2011 for the way I hadn't been present in the M, especially with her dying Mom and family.
There is no question that Mom’s passing was the trigger for W’s "Awakening". And her new perception is reality. But that perception can change...
How long does this take again?
Funny thing is, after our 30-40 minute conversation, W perked up and got happier. Started showing me FB posts from her friends, and telling me all kinds of stories. She then asked what I wanted for dinner. I said “We don’t cook on our anniversary”. "Let’s go out for dinner". At dinner, we talked more than usual about everything BUT the M. Then went and did our grocery shopping together.
And even though I believe she’s making progress, she does still seem to get lost in hopelessness at times. Over our M, me, her job, and her future. Most of which I cannot fix. But I can continue to rebuild trust, and continue to be the H only a fool would leave. And I will, because she’s worth it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
