Well I understand now that nothing will ever be resolved between us until she is done with her A.
My question is, besides working on myself, what can I do to speed it along? Just be friendly, validating, and nice? I feel torn between that and just not talking to her at all unless it's about the kids. I know from spying in the past she's pretty hard up for this guy, but I'm trying to not focus on their R and focus on myself and my interactions with her. This really is tough, I've been looking into standing and it's pretty much show her unconditional love no matter what she's doing. This isn't what I have been doing at all, I've been bitter and angry. I'm a little lost honestly.
Hi Corbean,
I would contend that there is a whooooole lot of "grey" in-between the black of "bitter and angry" and the white of "unconditionally loving her and standing for the marriage regardless of what she's doing."
In fact, I pretty much spend most of my time on here paying it forward by advocating that people DB in that "grey" area in the middle.
Yes, we unconditionally love the person, but we DON'T condone the infidelity nor should a MARRIAGE even be an unconditional contract.
This is how I summed it up previously to a different poster:
Puppy's Thoughts on "Unconditional Love":
LOVE is conditional.
FORGIVENESS, too (or -- better -- it is a CHOICE, a DECISION).
RELATIONSHIPS . . . and certainly MARRIAGES . . . I don't believe they are.
It's a MYTH, and I think it's a potentially dangerous one. Marriage is UNDERGIRDED by love -- maybe even unconditional love -- but the marriage contract itself, does that not have all KINDS of conditions?
Would you remain married to your wife if she abused puppies? Did illegal drugs in your home, in front of your children? Was involved in human trafficking? Or would you say "I will ALWAYS love you, but I cannot remain MARRIED to you!" ?
Adultery falls SOMEWHERE on that spectrum for each of us . . .somewhere in-between "abusing puppies" and "you snore too much," lol.
I repeat: LOVE is unconditional. MARRIAGE certainly is NOT. At least it shouldn't be, in my opinion.
Starsky
The tone you want to strike is "I love you, and I DON'T want a divorce, but nor will I tolerate an open marriage. I hope you will end your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me, and I think you will find me ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own."
What you DON'T want to convey is EITHER bitterness and anger (not beyond a healthy underpinning of righteous indignation where appropriate), nor supplication.
