Here is my first draft, I'm not sure if it feels too long and responsive rather than emotional. I tried to validate her feelings, convey my understanding, and where I know I have erred, acknowledge my mistakes. There is much more I wanted to say, but I understand this is not about pursuit in any way. I still want to keep the road paved, but I'm not sure if I have done too much or not enough.
Suggestions? Edit away, and thanks in advance!
PS, the comment in Green is not going to be in the response, it shouldn't even be present here, but I couldn't resist
Dev
Dear "Victoria"
Thank you for sharing your perspective and feelings with me. I appreciate your openness and your honesty.
I agree with you that the last few months and years have been a bit of a blur. I truly appreciate your comments with respect to me as a father. It means a lot to me to know that you feel that way, and I value knowing that you think and believe that truly.
First of all, I want to say here that I think you are a great mother to our kids. You have fully immersed yourself in their upbringing, and doted on them and taken care of our children incredibly. You made sacrifices all the time to put the children first, and myself first, and the way the children look to you is obvious. To watch you hold each of our children and see the love and care you provided and continue to provide is truly exceptional.
When you shared how you felt about your parents and your upbringing in regards to rearing the children, it made a lot of sense to me how our roles were delineated during the kids early years. How did that make you feel to explain that to me? I understand your parents failure to support and meet all of your needs led to you wanting to care for every need of our children's to ensure that it was met. Unfortunately, that may have created some of our problems with respect to resentment. Thank you for acknowledging this.
Did you feel like I didn't support you enough or back you up with respect to raising our children? I am fully supportive of the way we have raised our children, and if you can give me some specifics of some ways that I can be more supportive of this, that would be great. I think we have both done a great job with the kids.
The last few months, I have become acutely aware of how overwhelming managing a household, parenting our children, maintaining a career, cooking, and trying to be a good partner can be. I'm sure it was too much at times? I have recognized that I failed to validate the difficulties that happen with running a house and family, and I failed to show you how important you as yourself and the person were to me. I have always loved "Victoria" the person, and nothing else. I failed to show you that and help you realize that. That is a failure on my part.
I'm glad to see that your are trying to step back a bit and re-discovering yourself as "Victoria" and I am all for that personal growth. I agree the counselling sessions we have done and the independent sessions have been great for me to realize what has happened, as well as allow both of us to explore our own identities. I welcome a safe environment where you feel that you have a voice, and I would welcome any suggestions for what I can do to make this happen?
It must be very tough to feel like you have no other options than to not work on our marriage. It must be frustrating and scary. I know you are scared of losing me, much like I am scared of losing you. I understand you feel that we are trapped in a cycle of our most wicked traits hovering. Perhaps you could elaborate on what you mean by this, and we could look at exploring this further? I wonder if this is because we know each other so well, that we allow ourselves to be most vulnerable with each other. I'm not sure though.
Interestingly for me, I have realized how many times we actually agreed on things that were big stumbling blocks, and I recognize the failure I had to communicate my thoughts to you. Two things that come to mind are the fourth child, and moving to a different area.
The feelings of despair, anxiety and suicidal thoughts that are unrelenting when you are around or near me and the kids must also be very scary and difficult to deal with. They disturb me much like they do you, and I understand you wanting to control those and minimize them. The turmoil and hopelessness would be very disturbing. I too was concerned about those feelings and thoughts, and often tried to control and minimize the impact on you. I now know that this control was not ideal, and different strategies are needed to help understand these feelings.
I'm not sure if these feelings are a result of your affair and being uncomfortable at the house knowing that is going on, or if they are deeper rooted, as you mention. I would like to help you in any way that you desire. Finding and figuring out some coping strategies might be beneficial?
It must be very stressful to feel like you have expectations to live up to. It must be overwhelming to feel that you are not meeting expectations. I have always felt that you have been an excellent mother and person, and I too have been proud to call you my wife. My only expectations are for you to be yourself, the incredible mom that you are and the person I met and fell in love with.
What type expectations do you feel? The expectations that would be present in a marriage would be between the two of us, with disregard for what anyone else thinks or feels. For me, if the two of us are happy, both of us are happy, and that is what matters to me.
I am aware that you have often felt judged by others, my family, and myself. It must be incredibly difficult to bear this burden. Speaking for myself, I have only pride for you. You have several amazing traits, your passion, your intelligence, and your care and thoughtfulness. To feel like these are unappreciated must be very difficult.
I am incredibly sad that you loathe yourself and resent me for loving you unconditionally. It must be horrible to feel that way, and to feel like that about yourself. I would welcome a discussion about this with IC.
I understand that you truly feel that you have no options at this time other than the course you are taking. I recognize that it must hurt to struggle so much, and I truly hope that you find the happiness you have been seeking. I am happy to support you in your journey to find your own happiness and identity
This outcome is not something that I desire, but I will not stand in your way. I realize how important the establishment of your own identity is before any relationship is possible.
