Sex was great, part 2

[GoatGal]

" GG what, if you don't mind me asking, did the diagnosis for Asperger's do for you?"

Grey,
It helped me understand how I process and perceive. Why some things seem harder than they need to be. Why being in certain situations really exhausts me.
It helped me build on my strengths and compensate better for my weaknesses. It allowed me to give myself permission to give myself a break when needed. I get overwhelmed easily, sensory stuff, social stuff.

I'm not shy--far from it--but I am an introvert at heart.

There is a LOT of great info out there that explains it much better than I can.


"As best as I can tell it just means I/you/we see things differently. I may have a dozen friends that have it, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything in my relationship with them, even exes."

There is a lot more to it than this. And I'm not sure if you meant that them having Asperger's doesn't affect your relationship with them, or that you feel you're not affected by perhaps having it yourself.

The fact that you have so many Aspie friends is telling in and of itself. Most "normal" people find them very trying indeed.

You might not feel anything different.
It's all we know.
But "regular people" can often pick up on it, even though they might not know what "it" is.
When we're missing something, we're missing it, right?
If we KNEW we were missing it, we wouldn't be missing it, you know?
Think about WHY the exes might be exes.

For example, you have not once picked up on any of my quirky attempts at humor. I tend to think that, like some other things, you are, in fact "missing" important cues.


"I mean, they don't give you medicine for Asperger's, right? It's like, I might be aware I see things differently, but I also am aware how things are and how "normal" people see the world----

Trust me, none of us can know what it's like to be someone else.
When I finally understood HOW different my perceptions and ways of thinking were from regular folks, it was a shock.
"You mean everyone is not like this inside their heads????"
I really was shocked, and for a while, resentful.
It seemed everyone else had it SOOOO easy.
Now I don't feel that way. I see that I have many gifts that completely outweigh having to struggle a bit in other areas.

convincing anyone else, including a spouse, to understand how someone who thinks differently actually thinks probably wouldn't work with my wife because she has no empathy----


It's NOT about teaching others how to compensate for you.
Getting a diagnosis is so you can be better at being yourself.
More effective, more comfortable, more flexible.

Other people might know about it, or not.
Most people do NOT know about me, including my family. They would never believe it, quite honestly. As I said, I compensate REALLY WELL, and I have since childhood.
Making friends and coping socially were very important to me, so I learned and learned, and my parents instilled good social skills in us... but trust me---NONE OF IT CAME NATURALLY.
It is a testament to my sheer will that most people cannot tell.

I don't mean that in an outright bad way, but she's spontaneous by nature, 100%. Getting her to understand other people doesn't really work for her---------when people change, she shuts them out, permanently--"

"I've seen how she rejects people completely and without remorse, people who didn't treat her badly..."


"She traveled the world with one friend, a really good friend, the one who ....They didn't have a big fight or anything, they just lost things in common, life happened, and while her friend wants to stay friends and do dinner or sit by her pool, my wife dropped her."

"Same thing with the next best friend, who got engaged and wanted my wife to be in her wedding. She wouldn't even return the message, but came to me about how crazy she is to think she'd be in her wedding."

"I'm not saying any of that to judge her----I'm saying it because I'm terrified of her doing to me what she's done to other people when I'm contemplating asking her to do something she doesn't want to do"


All this stuff concerns me. You never mentioned this about her before.
This is a red flag to me.

What do you make of this?

---GG

PS: The first part of your post was in response to my post, but then it was right back to her. You sound stuck on this loop. That's an Aspie thing too! Do yourself a big favor and follow through on this with yourself. You're already seeing a counselor (can I ask why?), so it's a great opportunity to bring it up. You have nothing to lose, only insight to gain.