Although mostly I feel like I got lucky and (hopefully) dodged a bullet. I believe H wanted to work it out almost from the getgo but was so mucked up with his feelings for OW, and worried that we could never be happy. A few fun dates reminding him of what we used to have seemed to turn him pretty quickly. I just need to be CONSISTENT to turn it around for good. He certainly needs to continue to earn his way back but I need to put the A aside, at least sometimes, and show him that yes, we can still be happy. Unfortunately we really were terribly disconnected for a long while. Although it totally sux that an A had to open our eyes, it feels nice to be finally getting back to 'us' again.
We're going to do lunch again tomorrow. I'm going to keep this one light and fun.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Man this is tough. Just went to lunch with H. I went into it totally confident and purposely kept it very light and easygoing. H was again noticeably cooler than any of our other 'dates'. His demeanor was not at all the excited teen he has been all the other times. At the end he hugged me but for the first time he pulled away first. I know it's ridiculous to expect that every time we're together we're going to both be giddy but it seems so odd how he pulls away after declaring he supposedly will 'do whatever it takes.' We still had a good time, just not the same as previously and I don't know how to take it.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thx Starsky. I am probably just being paranoid. I think we're both a bit hot/cold with each other and watching each other very closely for signals. Just as I posted this H txtd me a smiley and said 'I enjoyed having lunch with you'
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Chatted a bit with H tonight and man, I really feel a coolness from him again. I'm not sure how I should be behaving at this point. Of course it goes without saying that I should (and will) continue to work on myself. But I'm not sure if I should be initiating interactions with him or pulling back. I am concerned about pulling back given his declaration the other day that he wants to work on things. Pulling back seems counter to 'working on things'.
I'm also really uncertain about how/when to decide to let him move back in. At this point he's said all the right things, and even done a few. But I think the real doing/proving will have to happen once we're living together again. I'll admit, I'm anxious to have him back home so we can seriously get on repairing things. There's just not much opportunity when physically separated.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
How long has he been able to "pull off" this "Hey, I'm trying" thing in the past?
I normally recommend a 6-month period of separate residences, dating each other exclusively, before a wayward spouse is allowed to move back in -- ESPECIALLY when there are kids involved. However, considering your husband's lack of stick-tuitiveness for things like this, I'd probably shorten that, while still making him WORK for this.
I'll admit, I'm anxious to have him back home so we can seriously get on repairing things.
Honey, you don't need H at home physically to "repair" the M. That is a mistaken notion right there. Remember when you started dating H, did you guys move in 2 days later so you could "start dating" in earnest? Same thing with the reconciliation process.
Take your time in re-discovering each other, slowly working your way toward together, re-attracting H to you, and monitoring H's actions/words to make certain they're congruent. In due course, you'll just "know" intuitively when it's time for H to move back into the house.
Right after the discovery he agreed to work on things and was doing everything right for about 2 weeks, then suddenly became very ambivalent and it all went South. That's when I told him to leave the 1st time, he left for 10 days then we reunited in MC office and he declared he definitely wanted back in. He immediately came home and I'd say within less than a week things started going South again. He hung in there for a full month but his ambivalence and disinterest in really doing the work steadily increased until I asked him to leave the 2nd time. He's been gone nearly 2 months this time and we've basically been 'dating' the past 3 weeks.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
