FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

W called this afternoon and we spoke for half an hour without any harsh words – at all! No disagreement’s, no angry tone of voice - no unpleasant things in any way.

She said she wanted to have a status-talk about how the Ds are doing and how she and I are doing.
I told that I would gladly meet and that her idea sounded good to me.
We weren’t able to find a time in our schedules the upcoming two weeks. She wanted to meet today or as quickly as possible, but my calendar is full and I didn’t offer to reschedule. She pushed a bit for this and said that she would like to meet and talk in person because she doesn’t get as angry with me in person as over the phone.
She gave up on the meeting and asked if I could talk now. I told her yes.

The talk was probably initiated by the request from D7 to her schoolteacher. W seems positive to let me have D7 more time, but has her doubts about a lot of issues. Should D5 come along, when this should be done, what if she wants to change again, why is this coming now and so on. I agreed to most and also expressed my own doubts and told W that we shouldn’t rush a decision like this. W wants to listen to Ds wishes. I told her I want the same, but also that we as parent needs to be comfortable with any decision we make.

The talk quickly evolved to a talk about what we experience with the Ds and behold: W has the exact same experiences that I have about the missing, the hurt, the days when they shift places - it all. Ds expresses the exact same things at her place as at mine.
We talked about our experiences, out thoughts, what we think initiates certain behaviors, D7s outbursts, the difference between D5 and D7 doings – we covered a lot of ground.

I kept my voice calm, low and tender throughout the talk and W did the same. This is the most I have talked in a convo with her for a long time. She did interrupt me, but excused herself every time and let me finish. She actually listened to my opinions and she didn’t get defensive as she normally does. Normally when I point Ds hurt to her decision she gets very defensive, sarcastic and angry. I did exactly this more than once during this convo and not once did she get angry. Even when I told her that I don’t see this as a temporarily issue and that this is due to D she listened without expressing anger. She believes these problems will stop and that D will grow out of the hurt – I told her that I disagreed and that divorce leaves a lifelong hole in children.

It was like talking to a different person.

After half an hour one of her clients walked in and we had to end. She wanted me to call her back in the evening but I had to tell her that I might not be able to do that, since I have an appointment and might stay the night.


I am not putting anything into this other than it was a good convo and if we are able to talk like this Ds will be better off.
I honestly believe I did very little different in this talk compared to several ones before this. W did the change and the outcome was totally different.
It felt like she had a lot more to say but we left it there and I will let it be up to her to initiate further talk.
W still seems totally gone.